REVIEW: Hanzel und Gretyl Born to be Heiled in Columbus.

On Friday May 10th, a dark-fairytale tag team duo of Uber German industrial techno noise came to the Columbus stage. Trekking through their native land on the Born to be Heiled US tour, the fire red haired beauty, German smack-talking booted vixen Vas Kallas and the helmeted, skull faced, beer swilling guitarist Kaizer Von Loopy brought the Euro party to the Alrosa Villa. Phantom 13, Eyes Stained Black and The Last Rise came to join the Uber Death Party.

What do you get when you combine misfit hangouts from a forgotten decrepit graveyard and the final sender of souls to the great out-west beyond? Columbus’s answer to a Halloween party on punch drunk absinthe fueled wheels, Phantom 13. With mic stands stacked with skullduggery and everyone dressed to scare and/or kill, the horror punk shock rock group of grisly goons from unmarked tombs were ready to consume all living souls willing to sacrifice for the cause. A tall top hatted shape in black emerged from the darkness as the funeral directing old school undertaker Sutter Cain opened his mouth of madness, breathing still life into the evening’s first song. Bassist Chuck Black’s shirt was ribbed for your pleasure.  Jerry Sinn, Rob Evil, keyboardist William Grimm sporting cool night vision glasses and Branden B. Evil all looked like creatures of nightly habits. Cain talked shop on Dust Filled Veins resembling a cloaked combination of Marilyn Manson and the unholy shock rock godfather himself, sweet Alice. It’s quite certain Cain’s Danzig infused vocals have sent a few post mortal souls to earn their black wings. As living, breathing steady paced walkers, we humans can’t get enough of the living dead, whether at movie conventions or AMC, and Phantom 13 are happy to oblige our hunger for a meaty musical meal of un-human noise and movement. The wolves howl an attack signal in the night as you walk swiftly across the foggy moor after midnight trying not to look behind you. We get a slow, dark, black lipstick seduction kiss from every man’s long haired beautiful fantasy queen and pleasant scary dream, the dominatrix of the nocturnal guilty suffering conscience, the Demon Girl. They pour hellfire’s octane on the devil’s eyes and speed off like a Beast. We get a house tour from beyond the grave by the little girl that can hear the Voices of the Dead. Out for Blood’s off their new CD, and it’s a haunting nursery rhyme about nasty dead things you shouldn’t play with. Sutter shared a not so funny thing that happened on the way there, a near death story as their tire almost came off the tour bus.  So they were VERY happy to be there tonight. The Dark Riders race and gallop on steads with red eyes fuming on power chug as Lilith commands the charge waging her eternal war and curse on the earth. They brought Transylvania to Columbus tonight for a high stakes showcase.

Next is the thrashy gravel throated entrenched ambiant atmospheric melancholy experience for the ears that is Eyes Stained Black. It’s Skinny Puppy meets dark-wave playing over grainy electronica graveyard footage. They play Dead, conjuring up atmospheric surroundings fitting for a victim’s quiet walk through the woods at night. Anima thrashes out with angry gritty guitars, an operatic siren singing out black tears of sorrow and pain with an eerie tranquility. Amidst all the swirling mood doom, there was Something Beautiful to be destroyed with an intertwining of weaving keyboards, hard hitting guitar and robotic trans-electronica. Singer Josh M is the deranged puppet master on the screen controlling this musical scrap iron assembly. They’re a surrealistic emotive whirlwind of creative dark depressive dirge sounds, imagery and musical mood swings from the parts of the mind that most people keep locked away. From the Inside Out is the closer

The Last Rise brings some down and dirty garage/basement metal up from where all bands begin and future rock stars emerge. It’s pretty, pretty f——g metal! Lonely Cradle starts out with a slow high pitched creepy childlike crawl along into a dingy chug dance. On The Last Goodbye, Chris Wolfe’s voice ranges from tearful controlled agony to fierce screaming. They played tribute to the knotted masked men with Spit it Out.

Our favorite American Neue Deutche Harte duo, Hanzel und Gretyl, was formed by members Kaizer Von Loopy and Vas Kallas in February 1993.  Deutschland’s answer to the fabled nursery rhyme of what would Hansel and Gretel be like if they were from Rammstein country.  Dapper in a marching helmet, skull mask and Ohio State shirt that would be beer drenched letztendlich, Hanzel shredded through a set of HUG classics from acht records to be heiled with Gretyl growling/marching along in strict military order, throbbing bass for all to see. The smoking skull faced demons straddled their hogs as Blitzkriegerz und Hellriderz got ready to ride out the gates of hell. HUG are Number One in Deutschland for a reason, and anyone who says different gets Das Boot up the arsch. One lucky fan dressed for the occasion got some bonding stage time but had to earn it the old fashion way. A full boot-leg of tonight’s sponsor Pabst Blue Ribbon was the price and prize of an up close HUG experience. Downing the brew with the added sweaty, socked leathery aftertaste, what does any Hanzel fan do after chugging it down? Why, asks for more of course. Der Furor seems to approve or maybe he just gets all choked up because the songs are too damn loud and fluchtig to handle. Kaizer shares the beer belt of love with the assembly. Breaking out the strong stuff at 100 proof plus, the Deathschlager is poured free for every member of the crowd and every member of the Third Reich from the Sun. It was time to get More German than German and have a dance party. Whatever side of the line you’re on, tonight we’re all Uber Allas.

From the planets, to Europe, to the SS Deathstar we are Heiled from the darkside. HUG can rock any house they march into and bring the Uber Death Party with them, and for tonight they’ve moved to/invaded Columbus.