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The Church of Augiology

August 18, 2011 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

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Auggie Smith and the Wayward Masses

To the uninitiated, (or “non-believers” as they are commonly called by The Auggites) Auggie Smith is the founder and Grand Pubah for Life of what has come to be known as The First Church of Augiology. While not technically a religion, at least not in the fully tax exempt definition narrowly portrayed in the IRS’s Draconian codes, the movement of Augism is gaining momentum in this country, as well as other, more backwards countries who really don’t know any better. With the recent release of his new DVD and CD, Cult Following, more of the weary and downtrodden will quickly become zealous converts.

Smith was born. This we know to be true. Everything after that is rather suspect and apocryphal. Being a rather shy individual throughout his youth, Auggie attained the rank of presidency of the speech team and cleaned the bathrooms at his school, making his vows of chastity almost unavoidable.

“You can imagine how the girls just flocked to that – president of the speech team!” Auggie says in Duderonomy 4:16. “’Wow, look at that!’ All girls care about at that age is a guy who can conjugate a verb.”

He remained chaste until the age of eighteen, succumbing to the lure of the flesh and Auggie found it to be good. He began his journey into the world, preaching his message for the masses, never gaining the attention he so richly deserved. After many disheartening years, Auggie considered renouncing his calling and wandering the earth like Al Gore, broken and dispirited. As destiny would have it, he met two like minded individuals; Apostle Bob and Saint Tom. They gave Auggie the inspiration and hope to preach his sermons on their quaint morning show. Thus the cult of Auggie was born.

After years of spreading the gospel on XM and Sirius satellite radio, after performing miracles at countless comedy clubs throughout the nation by turning dollars into wine and even after he died one night on stage in Butztown, Pennsylvania, only to rise three days later in a defiled motel room, hung over, Auggie is ready to be your personal pathfinder. He has sacrificed his life to be your personal sherpa, guiding you through the pitfalls and the pain, making you forget, at least for an hour or so, that the world is a festering cesspool of rampant self-interest.

This messianic messenger of mirth is bringing his traveling revival show to a stage somewhere near you, to spread the one true gospel. What should one expect when entering Auggie’s church? The faithful will be blessed with a bellicose dose of reality, delivered in a breathless, rapid-fire rant, shining a stark light on the futile efforts of man. From the current political scene to Barbie being raw dogged by G.I. Joe as he has a ‘Nam flashback, nothing is sacred in this sanctuary. The pervasive daily fears we all surrender to will be lifted to reveal the true evildoers behind senior citizen NASCAR drivers, voracious vending machines and drunken pink bunnies.

“Really brother, wouldn’t it just be easier to stay home and not have to interact with any live people?” Aug asks. “I SAY NO! The fear ends now. The only way to win is to not be afraid, or to paraphrase a Stallone classic, ‘fear is the disease…Aug is the cure!'”

Why should you be a follower of Auggie Smith? Why should you become part of the Cult Following? Humbly witness all that Auggie has sacrificed for us: his wasted teenage years scrubbing bathroom stalls while we were partying and getting laid. His ongoing pursuit to ingest every street corner pharmaceutical product, keeping them out of our reach so that we won’t cause harm unto ourselves as well as his ever vigilante watch over all the bars and pubs across this great land of ours, safeguarding them until they are safely closed. These things he does for us…selflessly! He truly cares about our well being and tries to convey this clearly during his sermons. He forces you to see the inequities in the lives we witness as well as the ones we live. His inescapable diatribes hammer home the absurdities we all see in everyday life, yet are afraid to comment on. He speaks while we are silent. Well, to tell the truth, he speaks while we’re talking as well, but nobody’s perfect.

Just reflect for a moment on this truism that he has shared with us;

“Your bunny may be your relationship or your job, but at one time, you tried to give your bunny a bear hug and things got out of hand.”

How can one argue with this incontrovertible truth? How?

Watch the DVD. Listen to the CD. Catch him on The Bob and Tom Show, or better yet, witness the man in person when he comes to town. If you’re not completely satisfied…well, you’ll still be out the money for the DVD, CD and the tickets, but hey, doesn’t it just make you feel warm inside knowing you helped a potentially sober comedian attain a higher level of consciousness via many, many Jägerbombs?

Services for the Church of Aug will be held at Wiley’s Comedy Niteclub on Thursday August 25th at 8:00pm (for a $5 tithe), Friday August 26th at 9:00pm (with a mandatory $10 donation). Saturday August 20th brings us to the conclusion of Auggie’s missionary work here in Dayton with a full blown comedy revival, featuring the comedy sermonizing of Deacon Tom Griswold from the Church of Latter Day Bob and Toms. Services for this revival will begin at 8:00pm with a secondary service held 10:30pm for all of those incorrigible heathens. For these special Saturday Night Sermons,  a collection of $20 is required. To make reservations, call (937) 224-JOKE. For more information, go to the Wiley’s website at http://www.wileyscomedyclub.com/ or add them as a friend on Facebook at Wiley’s Comedy Niteclub.

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBIbilra76s’]

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/v/yBIbilra76s’]

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Filed Under: Comedy, The Featured Articles Tagged With: Auggie Smith, comedian, Comedy, comic, Wiley's Comedy Niteclub

About J.T. Ryder

"There is nothing that can be said about me that hasn't already been said about Britney Spears' mommy parts: I'm bald, scarred and crave an inordinate amount of attention. I have no clue what to say about myself. There are times when I would write something humorous, wherein you would have little or no idea about my motives or personality, and yet there are other times when I would write something so personal that you may turn away. I really have no illusions, personally, as to the type of person I am, but no one person who has ever met me has seen more than a few facets at any one given time, therefore, opinions differ greatly as to who I actually am."

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9:00 am - 5:00 pm

DLM’s Lobstermania

May 24 @ 9:00 am - 5:00 pm

DLM’s Lobstermania

During Lobstermania, you can find fresh, live Maine lobster sustainably caught for us by our lobstering friends. Choose live lobster...

+ 18 More
7:30 am - 4:00 pm Recurring

Dunkers and Beans

May 25 @ 7:30 am - 4:00 pm Recurring

Dunkers and Beans

Fried to order, hot and fresh mini-ish donuts. Hot and iced coffee, lattes, flavored lemonade and teas. Donut battered deep...

9:00 am - 5:00 pm

4th Annual Military History Muster

May 25 @ 9:00 am - 5:00 pm

4th Annual Military History Muster

Join us in honoring our Armed Forces from 1775 to the present at the our Annual Military History Muster Come...

Free
10:00 am - 2:00 pm Recurring

The Grazing Ground Market

May 25 @ 10:00 am - 2:00 pm Recurring

The Grazing Ground Market

Welcome to The Grazing Ground Market, your local destination for farm-fresh eggs, seasonal produce, and handcrafted items. We take pride...

10:00 am - 10:00 pm

Tats for Cats

May 25 @ 10:00 am - 10:00 pm

Tats for Cats

FLASH TATTOO EVENT FOR PURRFECT ADDITIONS! We will be at Rebel Rebel Tattoo (Oregon District) with several cat-loving artists who...

11:00 am Recurring

Filled Pasta Class

May 25 @ 11:00 am Recurring

Filled Pasta Class

Join Chef Casey in a hands-on culinary adventure and learn what makes our pasta so delicious! You'll try your hand...

$125
11:00 am - 3:00 pm

Brunch with Endless Bubbles

May 25 @ 11:00 am - 3:00 pm

Brunch with Endless Bubbles

We are continuing our 25th anniversary celebration with $15 endless bubbles with your brunch entrée purchase this Sunday, May 25th...

11:00 am - 11:00 pm Recurring

Taste of Cincinnati

May 25 @ 11:00 am - 11:00 pm Recurring

Taste of Cincinnati

Taste is back and bigger than ever for 2025! Admission is FREE, so come experience the new as well as...

12:00 pm - 10:00 pm Recurring

Memorial Day Weekend Carnival

May 25 @ 12:00 pm - 10:00 pm Recurring

Memorial Day Weekend Carnival

Join us for Memorial Day Weekend Fun at Young’s! Carnival Rides will be available in our parking lot during Memorial...

+ 5 More
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