I’m sure my parents will be happy that I left out cigars or cigarettes. After my last column I am trying to avoid a comment war, I hope you’ve all recovered from that by the way. Well, I guess you could consider this column a delightful little follow up or at best an attempt to explain why I think I am still single. Frankly, I get a lot of mixed reviews from all the people in my life and really I think it’s because I choose to be and that’s what has so many baffled.
Clean-Up on Aisle……..Me. 
It’s taken me a really long time to look at myself and accept the things I needed to change and looking back I’d guarantee those things were the demise of most of my relationships. Self-confidence was always questionable no matter how many told me the potential I had. Love or life, I’ve always had it in me to turn crap to gold. We all do. The title of this week’s column reads wrong, pardon me but we are going to go backwards a bit. Fixing me was the easy part, understanding love not so much. I recently asked the question on Facebook, “What does love mean to you?”, because frankly I think part of my problem is that I have no idea what the hell it is. I know the movie and tv version…even the Vampire Novel version but when it comes to the real world I got nothing.
Here are some of my favorite answers from last night though.
“Real love is a decision to share a life and be in relationship someone, in spite of personal faults or failings (ours or theirs)”.
“Comfort”
100% honesty, no matter how hard…
”Putting someone else’s well being first — and never feeling resentful for doing it.”
Favorites yes, frightening to me however, even more. Why? Because if these statements are true well then I know for sure that I’ve never been there entirely. Whether myself or my partners, the above mentioned notions seem almost grandiose from where I stand. Though I’ve said the words and have thought I’d felt that way, only recently do I realize that I didn’t and more than likely I was just going along with the motions.
If you’re curious what MY answer was…”being able to hang out in jammies and a Family Guy Tshirt eating ice cream and not worrying about what I look like.” I’m guessing that’s what one of my friends meant by comfort. I do love people. I love plenty of people but being in love is an entirely different schtick one I’ve yet to master. I also love things…guess where I am headed next in this fine writing specimen? Why am I single?
Shaken Not Stirred. 
I enjoy going out and spending time with friends yet I am always apologizing for it, as if it’s some law that I’ve got to settle down and play house just because I am in my 30s. I enjoy meeting new people, hearing their stories and just not caring about whether or not I have someone on my arm. Either way I’m a good time, not “party plates” fun or anything, don’t get the wrong idea. For my readers on the East Coast, in Ohio they don’t suspend driving privileges they just give repeat offenders yellow license plates to identify their habits to the public. That’s a whole other column in the future on when I feel bold enough to start attacking legislation, not there just quite yet. Anyway, going out on occasion is something I do. So, “you gotta quit that partying, and settle down” is not the answer. I bet there’s a fella out there who’d enjoy a few dirty martinis with me occasionally, it’s no sin.
Java Jonesing
If you think I have an addictive personality after reading this you’ve read it all wrong, I promise you. My constant need for coffee just equates to the fact that I am busy. I don’t half ass anything and being involved in so many things it’s pretty rare to find me available to go out on a date. I’ve even joked about wanting a “Sunday Boyfriend” and the one guy I’ve had a crush on for years told me that’s his busiest day. That’s my luck. You read right, years. My friends and I joke that I am being punished for mental cheating years ago, that it’s some sort of Karma. The guy is a like some magical male version of myself and a good friend and after just a few conversations with him these strange thoughts entered my mind. Good news is he’s even busier than me, so hopefully I can figure it out before he realizes what a dork I really am. I’ve already said too much on that. Back to coffee and my schedule, people keep telling me that the right person will make finding a balance easy. Well Mr. Balance wherever you are I’d gladly welcome your attendance in to my normally chaotic and unbalanced life. Bring it. Maybe there is no Mr. Right maybe it’s Mr. Balance I’ve been waiting for all my whole life?
Or maybe it’s just really that I am too focused on other areas of my life to think about it. I’m busy, is really putting it lightly. Instead of finding happiness with just one other, I am trying to find happiness with thousands, millions..even more by doing something positive and meaningful with my life only in a different way. I want to make a difference in other people’s lives because at the present time, I am finally confident and happy about my own life, single or not. When will this be enough? Yes I want to be dazzled and in love..yes, settling down and the family is what I want. I think I’d make a kickass wife one day but when the time is right it will happen. So what I am saying is layoff us single gals and let us ride the wave at our own pace. Love happens when it’s meant to. Just like everything else in life.
On Tv Love.
Speaking of making a difference, if there are any ladies out there who feel the pressure I do hopefully this rant has helped you in some way. Screw Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big join me for a martini and we can discuss finding this Mr. Balance. Maybe the reason we are single is because it’s our choice .. for the time being anyway. Just enjoy life and be happy.
Till next week <3
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