The summer was full of both but I did learn a few very valuable lessons. Evenings in dresses thinking tonight’s gonna be the night and those little Laws of Attraction (while very true) that send us into an irrational frenzy. We always want what we can’t have and I’ve been trying for years to understand this phenomenon. Deep down inside I know exactly what I want in a relationship, what I want from a first date to the third and fourth, yet every once and a while I find what is seemingly a dud and consider them to be more. It’s a real problem. A lot of my nights start with high hopes and while most end well, others are a huge disappointment. For the life of me I can never understand why I’ve spent so much time pining and crushing over some, when ultimately I’m left scratching my head wondering, “what I was thinking?”
The Summer Crush of 2011
Since the summer, my friends have comically and aggressively banned me from the Oregon District because of my love interest in beards, bartenders and musicians. Was it their liqueur mixing, social, music or communication skills that did it? I don’t really know but for a while there I found myself eyeing a few very unlikely suspects, and I (like my friends) became worried. I think my “want” to meet someone had somehow clouded my judgment about what’s really good for me… what I deserve. There was one guy that for months, (I may have even mentioned in a column or two), I pined over ridiculously. When I finally got the opportunity, I was a little sick to my stomach afterwords frankly. That’s no exaggeration. Which brings me to my point.
Do Desperate Times Really Have to Call for Desperate Measures?
No. Why do we feel desperate when we’re single for a long time? I know that I personally started to think it would never happen for me, that I was being too picky and so the first guy to take notice to me in a long time was all of a sudden all I could think about. I had somehow forgotten the months of him ignoring me prior too. Nothing anyone said to me, (all obvious and valid points) made any difference to me. The guy was a total flake, lacked personality and had low self- esteem but I thought he was dreamy based on a few conversations where we connected on a few topics. At best, he was friend material but certainly not a candidate for between the sheets or long-term commitment. I had more intense kisses in the 8th grade and better conversations with strangers in a checkout line. For months I pined over nothing because I narrowed in on one opportunity instead of opening my eyes to a world of opportunity around me.
We all get lonely from time to time. Long-term singles like myself who want to really find someone go through a pattern of settling I think. You think, “sure why not” a lot more than usual. You look past things that ordinarily would annoy you. You end up going home with your “ultimate” crush thinking it’s gonna be a hot night finally when really you’d rather be home playing scrabble after 5 minutes alone with him. It happens. I’ve starting writing down what I really want in a relationship, in a “mate” and what exactly I don’t want. It’s a good reminder in times like this. If you’re looking for a good time and not a long time, sure try on a few duds for size but never forget what it is you really want, want will make you happy. That experience really taught me a lot about myself (some good and some bad) but I did snap out of it and quickly. It’s all a learning experience though and how, I believe, we get closer to finding exactly what it is we really want. You can’t put a time limit on it though and you can’t settle before you get there. That person we’re meant to be with is out there and when the time is right it will happen, and you won’t be playing scrabble. Until then, live a little. Be adventurous, not like wearing white after Labor Day but taking chances and have fun.
He could still have a beard, be bartender or a musician or anything for that matter. I wanted to add that point to avoid any unnecessary assumptions. It’s not what a person does or has that I’m looking for, it’s really all about who they are and whether or not we fit. A lot has changed since then. Most importantly, me.
I’d be lying if I said it stopped there. The summer was a riot. More next week.