How to drink beer in the shower

Beer has been around longer than showers have. Way longer, actually, which means people were getting drunk and smelly well before it was commonplace to bathe every single day. Considering all the black plague and polio going around, who could blame them for wanting to be wasted all the time? Nowadays, we have so much clean water in our society that we literally poop in it (I’m not above toilet jokes here, folks). We even waste gallons of the life-saving stuff each time we shower. Yet, with all of these modern marvels of sanitation technology, we seldom do anything in the shower other than wash ourselves, urinate down our legs, procreate, and mentally relive embarrassing situations. Fortunately, people from all around the world have been stepping up their shower game lately. But drinking beer in the shower is nothing if not confusing… probably. I’m here to finally end the confusion and prevent you from ending up with soapy shards of glass in your cornea or, even worse, spilled beer.

Make sure your beer is cold

This whole article probably goes without saying, but you’re going to be in a tiny room with hot water cascading towards you at a rapid rate. It’s going to heat things up, so you need to be prepared by maximizing the chillocity of your beverage. Canned beer is perfect for this. Toss one of those bad boys in the freezer for a few minutes while you commence the bathing preparations. Before you know it, you’ll be experiencing the luxury of drinking an ice cold beverage and warming your entire body at the same time. Isn’t this country awesome? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Stock up on beer geek street cred

Let me explain; you can easily drink right out of the bottle or can like a normal person. However, if you want to be a super awesome beer geek then you shouldn’t be afraid to go the whole nine yards. Plus, it’s kind of awkward to be naked and to put something brown and phallic-shaped up to your lips. Grab some appropriate glassware, artfully pour it into the glass, and savor the beer just like you would at a tasting except you’ll have shampoo in your hair. And you’ll be naked, unless of course you go to naked beer tastings, in which case you can add the next one to the Dayton Most Metro calendar. The point is that you need to look like a true beer geek at all times, even if nobody else is around. Otherwise you’re just a poser. Beer Geek? More like beer weak, am I right?

Leave your morals at the door

Drinking alcohol opens the door for other, um, activities. While there’s no shame in innocently chugging four of five brewskis in the shower by yourself and passing out on the couch with a towel barely wrapped around you, we all know that drinking leads to debauchery. I encourage you to bring a friend or two along and have a shower party. Did I mention you’ll already be naked? I’m not going to suggest anything explicit on here (other than riding a moose with a loved one), but keep in mind that drinking alone is one of the signs of alcoholism. Although, on the other hand…

Wallow alone

Both drinking and showering are great ways to indulge in self pity and reflect on all your mistakes in life, especially first thing in the morning. Remember when I said there was no shame in drinking by yourself? I was lying. At the risk of completely dismissing this whole article in one sentence, if you’re drinking solo in the shower then you’ll probably end up dying alone. You know that one special person that got away? They never actually loved you. They never actually needed you, and they are better off without you. Think about that and drink up. Remember, tears are harder to spot in the shower.

Pics or it didn’t happen

What’s the point of doing anything unless you post hundreds of pictures of it to facebook? Take a whole bunch of photos of you getting your drink on in the wash room, slap some Instagram filters on’em, and put them all over the internet. Check in on untappd and let everyone know you’re showering. Remember, you’re only worth as much as the number of likes you get. People will love how outside-the-box your mind works, and before you know it your Klout score will go up a point or two.

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