It’s been over a week since I’ve written anything and it’s for no other reason then that finding the words has been difficult. Last week should have been a celebration of my successes over the last five years of living in Ohio; it should have been time for me to reflect on how far I have come and all the great people around me that have helped me through this transition. Instead of celebrating though, inside I was hurting and haunted. Though it may appear easy for me to open up and share my feelings and life happenings, it’s the farthest thing from being simple to do. Each week I really think about how what I write will affect my life and the lives of others. My mother used to say, “that mouth is going to get you trouble.” I must enjoy being in the hot seat.
For months I held on to the possibility of something happening with one of the first people to ever really trigger romantic interest in a long time. We find ourselves (well some of us do) after the break of a long term relationship having difficulty opening up and letting new people in. It’s only natural to be scared but I’ve started to think that this fear doesn’t allow us to really see clearly the things in front of us..the very obvious things. While those around me had told me time and time again to move on because this person not only had no interest but showed a complete disregard for my feelings so many times – pulling a few cards like the “I need time” and the “friend card.” It’s as if I totally didn’t pay attention to too many times of being told “I’m sorry”, leaving me feeling sympathetic about some shyness or feelings of insecurity that really never existed… it was just a way to blanket nothing more than a lack of interest. If a person is sorry that much about the same redundant behavior, they’re not sorry. What was really happening was a person too cowardly just to say, “I’m not into you.” Which would have been fine and perhaps a friendship could have even remained, but I think I’m done with second chances. It seems like no big deal really, right? Unfortunately it is. It hurt. When you find a comfort zone again after going through tough times, that allows you to open up and share personal things with someone again, actually talk and they treat you like that it doesn’t help. In some respect it hinders the overall healing process. I see this all the time happening to close friends and yet when it happens to me it’s as if I’m completely blind to it. If you’re reading this and thinking, someone could be leading you on or you’re doing it to someone, stop. Be an adult and remember to treat people the way you’d expect or want to be treated. I thought I was passed dealing with nonsense like this but it’s good to know I’m still held captive by my naive thinking. The hopeless romantic isn’t dead she just sometimes needs a wake up call and a reminder that sometimes it’s better to focus on being the rule rather than the exception. Lesson learned.
For all the complaining I do in my columns, the rants about dating and the men I’ve met who just turn into creeps I think I’ve come to realize that perhaps it’s partly my fault. In thinking back, I’ve started to look at each of them and I’ve realized none were really anything I could actually see myself with. Which brought up an interesting point. They were a challenge and not the right fit at all, they were unattainable. Have I been focused on the unattainable in an effort to push away those who were attainable? Not that an army of bachelors is banging down my door but I’ve met some pretty awesome dudes, that I’ve totally blown off. Why? I’m not sure what revelation this is at this point, but I’ve concluded that because of past relationships and shit like the coward I just dealt with I have no faith in the attainable. While I know there is potential and that I could meet someone great, part of me doesn’t care to really have that. It would mean becoming vulnerable again something at this stage I’m still not ready to do. So apparently, I am steal healing and there’s more on this journey to finding myself that I guess I need to do. There is part of me that really still believes “the one” from a time long ago, was the only one. My head is sometimes a jukebox of the songs about us on constant replay and I hate it. Life and love would be a helluva lot easier if I could just forget. Most days I do, but others seem to be a struggle.
While I know there was a greater reasoning for my moving to Ohio, there are times when it’s still painful to be here. To think about what was and what could of been compared to what there is now. I try to find happiness in the little things and tell myself that one day it will really all make sense but there are moments when it’s the memories that are so abysmal it would be easier to just start somewhere new again. Run. While celebrating a silly five year anniversary in Ohio, inside I was really dwelling on the relationship that lead me here ending coincidentally around the same time it started. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go of painful memories but it a nutshell I know that for you to leave a happy and fulfilling life, it’s really necessary to let go and do so entirely. If you’re dealing with something similar or just in general finding yourself down you have to know and believe that things really do turn around. I could dwell on every little thing that’s happened since, including what I roped myself into over the last few months but one thing I’ve learned is that what happens doesn’t change you. That no matter what you get over it and while hurt will remain you still have to move forward.
A Smile Returns.
I’ve been throwing parties since I moved here for silly reasons. I thought it made perfect sense to have a Pub Crawl downtown to celebrate 5 years in Ohio. It ended up being a great idea and for one reason alone. This past Saturday night I was surrounded by friends. Real friends, who not only helped me to move forward but have helped me to move inward, to find my happiness and to believe in myself. We all have friends that come and go out of our lives and one’s we keep in touch with that were not as close with as we once were but I know in my heart, that these people will forever be people whom I can count on. While sitting around and watching them talk I realized what it means to have people who genuinely care and that is all that really matters in life. At the end of the day, it’s not what but who you have that reflects not only the life you live but the way in which you live it. Out of darkness, I’ve found a family here one that I cherish. That’s what has made the difference and why I am so able to bounce back from all of life’s happening since.
Famous last words. It’s no secret I’m a bit jaded and unattainable myself. There’s mystery to uncover and they tell me the right person will crack the puzzle. Whoever this guy is he has his work cut out for him. One thing to never forget, be yourself at all costs because when you’re through those who are still standing by your side, those who still adore you, those who are always there .. are the ones that truly care. There’s no reason to blanket the crazy and frankly I find being normal rather plain and boring. Let the losers drop off and focus on what’s really important in life, the people around you that really do care.