Conversations with friends this week seemed to be all about when to cut your losses and walk away in dating. Determining a toad from a prince. It’s become a apparent however that a loss cause is not so obvious in matters of the heart. The signs are all there but instead of realizing a situation for what it is we make excuses to justify the road to nowhere we’re traveling down. A long list of common excuses or guy types which I will address in a few seem to be more common then I had thought. Earlier this week, I made a decision to eliminate my gaggle. A concept I learned about earlier this year which essentially just describes a group of men in your life who you “sort of” connect with but get no where with. They’re a good distraction while you sort out your wants but in my opinion at some point you have to walk away.
A Pack of Nothing.
Over the past couple of years I have cultivated a group of men who seemingly would be great dating prospects but for whatever reason I or they never pulled the trigger. The men in my gaggle are ones which I can talk to about everything, that are generally really good guys, have taken me out from time to time and feed my ego with flirting and really just boost my confidence overall. So what’s the problem, right? Well I started to think about two factors which I hadn’t realized. One factor being that with a great amount of testosterone goodness in my life, the search for something a little more meaningful wasn’t such a priority. All of my needs were being met so why would I take dating seriously? Don’t let your imagination run wild on the needs thing, emotionally I was covered..but only “sort of.” They were nothing more than a distraction hindering me from finding the real thing. The other factor is that a lot these guys were typically using me as well as some sort of crutch too. So in my eyes, it was mutually beneficial to call it quits. I’m the “IT” girl and not the in the meantime type of gal. I know and believe this.
If you don’t think you have a gaggle, perhaps this next part will make you rethink this select group of men in your life. Here is where I discuss the excuses. A lot of my females friends seem to be going through the same thing right now and it’s odd but we all generally make the same excuses about why we decide to linger and hold on to something that really isn’t going anywhere.
Do You Know This Guy?
I Still Want You in My Life – This is the guy you broke up with ages ago that you still remain friends with. A part of you secretly feels as though somewhere along the line the universe will land you both back together. That the love you had with this guy is strong enough to bring you back together at some point. You talk often. He complains about his new love interest and you complain about how you just can’t seem to find someone new. It’s going no where and it’s unhealthy. Pull the plug.
Digital Dice Clay. – Hopefully he’s not as dirty as Andrew Dice Clay, but you know this guy. The one who always has something a bit risque to say about you or your derriere. He makes you blush and you like it. You know nothing will ever happen with this guy but you look forward to his texts, dms and emails. He puts you in a good mood, but never really seals the deal. This guy is a permanent tease, nothing more. He talks a big game but really you need to send him out to pasture. There’s a huge different between attention and affection.
Mr. Unavailable – He’s been in many bad relationships and just hasn’t seem to get passed them. He likes you and it’s obvious but for whatever reason nothing ever happens. You hold to Mr. Unavailable because it makes you feel good about yourself that you can eventually swoon him. He’s like a prize of some sort but the reality is you’re wasting valuable time pining over someone who is just not that into you. Don’t get me wrong, we never know what the future holds but if you’re putting your life on hold for this guy you may find yourself with a lot of valuable time lost. You know you’re a looker, a real find and he does too..it’s all in the way he looks at you but looking is all he does. He’s on the outside looking in and you’ve tried inviting him in. It hasn’t it happened. There’s a good chance it won’t.
I Don’t Want to Ruin the Friendship. – This guy is my favorite. He’s the guy that has something to say about every guy you date. He thinks you’re better than those guys, that they aren’t on your level. In short, he thinks you’re awesome..he’s even said, “I wish I could find a girl like you.” Good luck, there’s no one like me. This is what you should say as you shut him out of your life. This may be one the most unhealthy situations I could address, because as erroneous expectations goes this guy will have you on a roller coaster. You’ll be analyzing his every word. Thinking he feels more than he really does and in actuality you’re just his friend. For now anyway..again it could change but why wait?
Hot and Dry. – The guy you like horizontally but doesn’t fit anywhere else in your life. Yeah, I said it. Everyone meets someone they just can’t resist. We’re human. This guy is fun, he’s all about living life spontaneously and not being tied down to anything. He as the ability to make you forget that ultimately you really do want to settle down. This guy is not going to settle down and if he does, he’s not going to do so with the girl that has been readily available for months on end. The dynamic of your relationship doesn’t extend further than between the sheets. You’re not a challenge and men tend to be all about the hunt. Though it could happen, I’ve yet to see it. I’m not telling you not to enjoy it though but in my experience these situations tend include one person who feels more than the other, usually it’s us..the ones who act on emotion not well you know. This guy won’t think twice about leaving you hot and dry if it isn’t convenient for him, make no mistake.
The Good Guy. – This man is always there for you. You’ve dumped all over him, lead him on and have generally just been all that you complain about when it comes to men and how they treat you to this guy. You’re a total douche and he stays. He’s pretty much the ideal guy but you’re just not that into him. Now, I’ve thought about this one for a really long time and wondered what it is that keeps me or a gal from wanting more with a guy like this. Well, it’s simple. We women like that hunt as well and this situation is just to easy. We know at any given moment with one look this guy will be in the palm of our hands. Easy street isn’t so hot.
These Guys are the Gaggle. ( Not a pack of wolves, not anyone you really want)
Well isn’t that the real question? What the hell do we want? If you take a look at the men in your life you’re bound to find a few with the right things you’re looking for. For me, I want a little of all of the above, cocktail if you will. Just the right mixture to keep you on your toes and wanting more, but for the right reasons. He’d be accessorized with a beard, somewhat tech elite and passionate about music , if I had my way as well. Here’s the thing about dating, you really have to have a clear mind and heart to actually see something good when it is in front of you. Wasting your time making excuses about the guys in your life now is really just a waste of time, deep down you know it. Perhaps you’re not really ready to date and the distractions right now are good, which is fine but have an expiration date on distractions before you find yourself in the face of some really great missed opportunities. If you really find one of these guys and feel in your heart it could develop into something more, give it a shot. However, if you find yourself making the same excuses over and over and nothing really seems to change…that is a sign to move on.
I always say, “It’s easy to get me on the hook. It’s an entirely different thing to reel me in.”
Think about what you want and deserve. Focus on that.