Top Ten Reasons Why I Am Not Working

I Will Tell You Why I Procrastinate…Later 

1. The Conan/Leno debacle has me all verklempt. At least Conan got custody of Andy Richter, so I can sleep a little better tonight.
2. While doing research for an article, I accidentally misspelled Hadron Collider on Google Search and now my computer inundated with pop ups for gay porn.
3. After the aforementioned disaster, I have also inadvertently found a new meaning for “teabaggers,” which has not allowed me to stop simultaneously vomiting and laughing at the same time.
4. While cleaning up the vomit, I noticed a rust stain in the sink, which I scrubbed out using an SOS pad. Not wanting to waste a whole pad on such a small job, I looked for something else to clean. Three and a half hours later, the oven is clean, the windows are washed, the kitchen floor is swept and mopped and for reasons I don’t feel I need to explain, I shaved the cat.
5. A really attractive Jehovah’s Witness knocked at the door and it became a battle of wills as to which one of us would convert who.
6. I had to sob on the couch for some time, realizing that I am older and extremely off my game and have now been corralled into passing out Watchtowers.
7. I noticed that it was around noon, which meant that I only had two hours before I had to leave to pick up my kids, and anyone knows that is not enough time to actually get anything done, so why start something that you’re not going to finish.
8. I notice that the cat was cold after being shaved and decided to cut five holes in a sweat sock for her to wear as a coat. Making the coat took no time at all, but cats are pointy at four of their five ends and don’t take kindly to being shoved inside a sweat sock.
9. I had to rest after the above-mentioned ordeals, so I sat down and contemplated how I was going to meet my publisher’s deadlines. I came to the conclusion that all I needed to do was outsource the work, but since I don’t know anyone inBangladesh, I had to settle for a local crackhead.
10. The crackhead said that he needed ten bucks for supplies, so I’m just waiting for him to get back and then we’ll be on a roll! He should be back any minute now…anytime now…