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top ten list

Top Ten Lessons I Learned The Hard Way

March 21, 2010 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

There Is No Learning Curve In Life

  1. Don’t laugh when a woman asks you if you have ever thought about marrying them.
  2. Don’t eat any food that the aforementioned woman might serve to you if in fact you did laugh.
  3. Even though it is sometimes referred to as the “Muscle Of Love,” Ben-Gay should never be used on it.
  4. Never assume that your friend turned off the correct breaker before you start working on the electric.
  5. You will always hear the click of the lock at the exact moment you realize that your keys are still inside.
  6. All fat people are not jolly.
  7. Zippers are not forgiving…they play for keeps.
  8. If an African-American man is using the urinal next to you, don’t say, “So! It’s not true what they say about you guys!” He will not find it amusing at all.
  9. Don’t assume that a woman holding an iron skillet just wants to cook you something.
  10. Never ask a random stranger on the street, “Hey! Do you know where I can cash a winning lottery ticket at?”

Filed Under: Community Tagged With: humor, J.T. Ryder, top ten list

Top Ten Reasons Why I Am Not Working

March 21, 2010 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

I Will Tell You Why I Procrastinate…Later 

  1. The Conan/Leno debacle has me all verklempt. At least Conan got custody of Andy Richter, so I can sleep a little better tonight.
  2. While doing research for an article, I accidentally misspelled Hadron Collider on Google Search and now my computer inundated with pop ups for gay porn.
  3. After the aforementioned disaster, I have also inadvertently found a new meaning for “teabaggers,” which has not allowed me to stop simultaneously vomiting and laughing at the same time.
  4. While cleaning up the vomit, I noticed a rust stain in the sink, which I scrubbed out using an SOS pad. Not wanting to waste a whole pad on such a small job, I looked for something else to clean. Three and a half hours later, the oven is clean, the windows are washed, the kitchen floor is swept and mopped and for reasons I don’t feel I need to explain, I shaved the cat.
  5. A really attractive Jehovah’s Witness knocked at the door and it became a battle of wills as to which one of us would convert who.
  6. I had to sob on the couch for some time, realizing that I am older and extremely off my game and have now been corralled into passing out Watchtowers.
  7. I noticed that it was around noon, which meant that I only had two hours before I had to leave to pick up my kids, and anyone knows that is not enough time to actually get anything done, so why start something that you’re not going to finish.
  8. I notice that the cat was cold after being shaved and decided to cut five holes in a sweat sock for her to wear as a coat. Making the coat took no time at all, but cats are pointy at four of their five ends and don’t take kindly to being shoved inside a sweat sock.
  9. I had to rest after the above-mentioned ordeals, so I sat down and contemplated how I was going to meet my publisher’s deadlines. I came to the conclusion that all I needed to do was outsource the work, but since I don’t know anyone inBangladesh, I had to settle for a local crackhead.
  10. The crackhead said that he needed ten bucks for supplies, so I’m just waiting for him to get back and then we’ll be on a roll! He should be back any minute now…anytime now…

Filed Under: Community Tagged With: humor, J.T. Ryder, procrastination, top ten list

Top Ten Things I Love About Summer

January 22, 2010 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

Some Like It Hot

  1. I can go to any pool or beach and see women wearing what are essentially bra and panties without the inconvenience of standing in the bushes outside their window.
  2. My melanoma is hungry after its winter hibernation.
  3. I absolutely love putting on SPF 5000 sunscreen all over my body, some zinc oxide on my nose and making sure that my hat creates a five foot circumference swath of shade around me so that I can go outside to enjoy the sun.
  4. I’ve never lost the tips of my toes to “heatbite”.
  5. Women + Thin T-Shirts + Air Conditioning = Eye Popping Event.
  6. You can urinate in the woods without the fear of shrinkage, frostbite, hungry squirrels seeking “nuts” or the potentially life threatening mistake of getting “it” frozen to a metal fence post.
  7. There is no better experience than hitting a swarm of cicadas on a motorcycle at 60 mph.
  8. It’s great to be able to turn the air conditioning on, lowering the temperature of the house to the same level that you were freezing at during the winter.
  9. Watching a bleach blonde’s hair turn green after she’s been in the pool for a while.
  10. Finding out exactly how hot the change in your car is after roasting in the car all day. I still have the imprint of a 1978 quarter on my hand. I felt just like the German guy in the first Indiana Jones movie.

Filed Under: Community Tagged With: humor, J.T. Ryder, summer, top ten list

Top Ten Things I Want To Do Before I Die

January 17, 2010 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

Better Start To Work On This List Now

  1. Hopefully find a cure for what’s going to kill me.
  2. If it is a malignant type of illness, like a brain tumor, I’ll purchase a large tow truck with push bars on the front and teach retroactive driver’s education to those moronic motorists who so desperately need it.
  3. With my last breath, I hope I have the presence of mind to call my family close to me and whisper, “I’ve been stashing money in the house. There’s about $80,000 in the…aaaggghh!” and then die. It will be hilarious to look on from the afterlife as they destroy the house searching for it.
  4. A three-way with Jessica Alba and Jessica Tandy. Yes, I know Jessica Tandy is dead.
  5. I want to have an animatronics alien surgically implanted into my chest that monitors my heartbeat. When my heartbeat stops, a countdown clock will begin that will send the alien bursting through my chest, hopefully during my viewing.
  6. I want to rack up $100,000 in credit card debt so that I have something to leave to my kids.
  7. To bitch slap the creators of the Lifetime network for forcing me to suffer through an endless barrage of bile inducing “real life dramas” that seem to unify the female populace into believing that even if something horribly tragic hasn’t happened to them, it probably will during the commercial break.
  8. To split an infinitive…or to divide by zero…whichever.
  9. I would like to translate some of the Dead Sea Scrolls to prove that Angela and Brad are adopting another child from Bora Bora so that their twin hell spawns have something to feed on after they are birthed unto the world, thus breaking the seventh seal, bringing about the time of darkness.
  10. To have hot monkey lovin’ with the cast of Planet of the Apes: The Musical!


Filed Under: Community Tagged With: humor, J.T. Ryder, top ten list

Top Ten Reasons I Question My Masculinity

January 17, 2010 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

I Am Secure In Carrying My Man Purse

  1. I know the lyrics to most of Lady Gaga’s songs.
  2. I know that my woman is an Autumn and not a Winter, as she so erroneously believes.
  3. I can tell the difference between a green, a pink or a yellow based beige.
  4. I have been referred to as being “snarky.”
  5. I misunderstood and brought a tube of lube when some guys asked if I wanted to play cornhole.
  6. I’m the one who decorates the house and picks the color schemes. It’s only because if my better half were allowed to do it, it would look as if a Serbian whore had eaten a Family Dollar store, washed it down with a blueberry Slurpee and then vomited the whole mess up in our living room.
  7. I won’t watch football, baseball, hockey or basketball…but I will watch figure skating and gymnastics.
  8. My mom calls to discuss her plans on interior decorating.
  9. On that point, and not to cast any blame or anything, my mom wanted me to become a hairdresser. My grandmother wanted me to become a priest, so either way…
  10. I pick out fabulous greeting cards!

Filed Under: Community Tagged With: humor, J.T. Ryder, masculinity, top ten list

Top Ten Songs I Want Played At My Funeral

March 6, 2009 By J.T. Ryder Leave a Comment

Compositions For Decomposition

  1. Your Time Is Gonna Come – Led Zeppelin
  2. Man In The Box – Alice In Chains
  3. 6 Underground – Sneaker Pimps
  4. Close My Eyes Forever – Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne
  5. Dress Sexy At My Funeral – Smog
  6. People Who Died – Jim Carroll Band
  7. Electric Funeral – Black Sabbath
  8. Happy Phantom – Tori Amos
  9. Down In A Hole – Alice In Chains
  10. The End – The Doors

Filed Under: Community Tagged With: death, funeral, humor, J.T. Ryder, top ten list

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wrappin&rollincafe

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Star City Brewing Company

free screening of ALMOST FAMOUS

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Comedian Jeff Allen

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South Towne Centre

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$10 Tini Time every Thursday

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Fun Trivia! Prizes!

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LIVE TRIVIA with Trivia Shark

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Dayton Metro Library - Main Library

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Judge Arthur O Fisher Park

wrappin&rollincafe

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August 22 @ 12:00 pm - August 24 @ 7:00 pm

Tattoo Fest Dayton

Tattoo Fest Dayton

August 22 @ 12:00 pm - August 24 @ 7:00 pm

Tattoo Fest Dayton

Join us at the Dayton Convention Center. Our tattoo festivals are unlike any tattoo event you have ever attended. The...

$27.50
August 22 @ 12:00 pm - August 24 @ 7:00 pm

Tattoo Fest Dayton

August 22 @ 12:00 pm - August 24 @ 7:00 pm

Tattoo Fest Dayton

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$1 Oysters

August 18 @ 11:00 am - 9:00 pm Recurring

$1 Oysters

all day monday oysters are just $1 when ordered in increments of 6 valid in the bar or at tables

$1
4:00 pm - 7:00 pm

Daybreak Community Open House

August 18 @ 4:00 pm - 7:00 pm

Daybreak Community Open House

Stop by for tours, conversation, community, snacks, and to congratulate Daybreak's CEO, Alisha Murray. In early June, CEO Alisha Murray...

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$3 Burger Night

August 18 @ 5:00 pm - 10:00 pm Recurring

$3 Burger Night

From 5-10pm you can choose from the following: for $3 - it's a plain burger on a bun, $4 -...

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Trivia Shark

August 18 @ 6:00 pm Recurring

Trivia Shark

the best Live Trivia in town AND help our host, the lovely Joselyn celebrate her birthday!! Don't forget $4 Margaritas...

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Free Yoga with Aleasha

August 18 @ 6:00 pm - 7:00 pm

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Yoga with Aleasha will lead you in an all-levels yoga flow. If you're a beginner, she will guide you through...

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Trivia at The Greene

August 18 @ 6:30 pm - 8:30 pm Recurring

Trivia at The Greene

Got a case of the Mondays?  Come in and enjoy a night of trivia, good food, drinks, and company. Join...

Free
7:00 pm Recurring

Trivia Night

August 18 @ 7:00 pm Recurring

Trivia Night

We're excited to share that Monday night is now TRIVIA NIGHT at WW Springboro! This evening at 7pm! It's free...

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Audtions: Drunk As You Like It

August 18 @ 7:00 pm

Audtions: Drunk As You Like It

An X*ACT First! Inspired by our friends at Dayton Drunk Theater we are looking for 8-16 actors of all types,...

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8:00 am - 9:00 am

Monthly Coffee & Networking

August 19 @ 8:00 am - 9:00 am

Monthly Coffee & Networking

The South Metro Regional Chamber of Commerce and Washington Township invite local businesses to stop by the RecPlex on the...

10:00 am - 2:00 pm

Low-cost Dog Vaccine Clinic

August 19 @ 10:00 am - 2:00 pm

Low-cost Dog Vaccine Clinic

The ARC is hosting a low-cost vaccine clinic on Tuesday, Aug. 19, by appointment only. Call 937-898-4457 to schedule an...

11:00 am - 12:00 pm

Healthy Hydration workshop

August 19 @ 11:00 am - 12:00 pm

Healthy Hydration workshop

The Healthy Hydration workshop examines the benefits of staying properly hydrated for your body. Topics include the amount of water...

Free
4:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Italian Buffet

August 19 @ 4:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Italian Buffet

Pizzas Salads Pastas Desserts & More! $19.99 Come see us August 19th as we try out a dinner buffet! We...

$19.99
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Freakin Ricans

August 19 @ 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm Recurring

Freakin Ricans

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Bike Night

August 19 @ 6:00 pm

Bike Night

The weather forecast appears favorable, with sunny skies and a high of 85. DJ music will be provided courtesy of...

6:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Tenant Rights & Responsibilities On The Road

August 19 @ 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Tenant Rights & Responsibilities On The Road

Dayton Metro Library is proud to host Dayton Tenant Union. The Dayton Tenant Union along with Legal Aide will offer...

6:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Summer/Beach Cookie Decorating Class

August 19 @ 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Summer/Beach Cookie Decorating Class

Come join us for a fun and creative cookie decorating class. This is a beginner class so there's no stress...

$49.87
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Claybourne GRILLE

August 20 @ 10:30 am - 2:00 pm

Claybourne GRILLE

11:00 am - 2:00 pm

wrappin&rollincafe

August 20 @ 11:00 am - 2:00 pm

wrappin&rollincafe

Southwest Chicken Wrap Marinated Chicken, , Cheddar Cheese, Zesty Cilantro Lime Sauce, Black Beans/Grilled Corn Mix, Lettu... $11.00 Club Wrap...

2:00 pm - 5:00 pm

Taylorsville Dam Tour

August 20 @ 2:00 pm - 5:00 pm

Taylorsville Dam Tour

Join the Miami Conservancy District for their first tour at Taylorsville Dam! Hear directly from experts involved in the dam’s...

Free
3:00 pm - 7:00 pm Recurring

Trotwood Community Market (presented by American Legion Post 613)

August 20 @ 3:00 pm - 7:00 pm Recurring

Trotwood Community Market (presented by American Legion Post 613)

A celebration of locally sourced foods and products from small businesses in Trotwood and the surrounding communities! Stop by and...

3:00 pm - 7:00 pm Recurring

Miamisburg Farmers Market

August 20 @ 3:00 pm - 7:00 pm Recurring

Miamisburg Farmers Market

Miamisburg Farmers MarketAt Miamisburg Christian Church parking lot.1146 E. Central Ave in Miamisburg.Fresh Produce, sweet treats, food trucks and more..

5:00 pm - 8:00 pm Recurring

Beckers SMASH-tastic Burgers

August 20 @ 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm Recurring

Beckers SMASH-tastic Burgers

Single Single smash patty on a brioche bun $9.00 Single with Bacon Single smash patty and bacon on a brioche...

5:00 pm - 8:00 pm

ILLYS Fire Pizza

August 20 @ 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm

ILLYS Fire Pizza

We are a mobile wood fired pizza company that specialize in turkey products such as Turkey pepperoni, Italian Turkey sausage,...

6:00 pm - 7:00 pm

Oregon Express Succulent Terrarium Garden

August 20 @ 6:00 pm - 7:00 pm

Oregon Express Succulent Terrarium Garden

Join the fun as Now and Zen brings the terrarium building experience to Oregan Express. Grab a brew or two...

$38
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ShowDogs HotDogs

August 21 @ 11:00 am - 3:00 pm Recurring

ShowDogs HotDogs

All Beef Hot Dogs, Walking Tacos, Nachos, and Quesadillas! Veggie options available

11:30 am - 3:00 pm

Cousins Maine lobster

August 21 @ 11:30 am - 3:00 pm

Cousins Maine lobster

Catch us for a Maine Lobster LUNCH!  Place an order at the truck or via our Mobile App  Share & Be...

4:00 pm - 10:00 pm

Detroit-Style Deep – Dish Pizza Night

August 21 @ 4:00 pm - 10:00 pm

Detroit-Style Deep – Dish Pizza Night

It's the THIRD THURSDAY of the month, and you know what that means... it's DETROIT-STYLE DEEP-DISH PIZZA NIGHT! Come in...

4:00 pm - 11:00 pm Recurring

$10 Tini Time every Thursday

August 21 @ 4:00 pm - 11:00 pm Recurring

$10 Tini Time every Thursday

Every Thursday night at Whisperz Speakeasy we'll be handcrafting an array of different fabulous martinis for just $10 each. Come...

Free
5:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Sunset at the Market

August 21 @ 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Sunset at the Market

Sunset at the Market series returns this May through October 2025 on the third Thursday of each month from 5...

Free
5:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Let’s Talk Electric Vehicles

August 21 @ 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm

Let’s Talk Electric Vehicles

Meet representatives from Drive Electric Dayton. They will have their Electric Vehicle's (EV) lined up outside the Market for you...

Free
5:00 pm - 9:00 pm

What The Taco?!

August 21 @ 5:00 pm - 9:00 pm

What The Taco?!

Chipotle Chicken Taco GRILLED CHICKEN, SHREDDED LETTUCE, PICO DE GALLO, CILANTRO SOUR CREAM & MONTEREY JACK $10.00 Ground Beef Taco...

6:00 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

“The Play That Goes Wrong!”

August 21 @ 6:00 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

“The Play That Goes Wrong!”

Welcome to opening night of Cornley University Drama Society's production of The Murder at Haversham Manor, where things are quickly...

+ 6 More
4:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Clifton Gorge Music & Arts Festival

August 22 @ 4:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Clifton Gorge Music & Arts Festival

A two-day festival celebrating our local musicians and artisans The Clifton Gorge Music and Arts Festival will be August 22...

5:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Bellbrook Lions Club SummerFest

August 22 @ 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Bellbrook Lions Club SummerFest

The Bellbrook Lions Club will hold our annual “SummerFest” festival at the old Sugarcreek School (51 S. East Street, Bellbrook...

Free
6:00 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

“The Play That Goes Wrong!”

August 22 @ 6:00 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

“The Play That Goes Wrong!”

Welcome to opening night of Cornley University Drama Society's production of The Murder at Haversham Manor, where things are quickly...

6:00 pm - 9:00 pm

The Lebanese Festival

August 22 @ 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm

The Lebanese Festival

The 32nd Annual Greater Dayton Lebanese Festival will be held on the Grounds of St Ignatius of Antioch Maronite Church...

Free
6:00 pm - 9:00 pm Recurring

LIVE TRIVIA with Trivia Shark

August 22 @ 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm Recurring

LIVE TRIVIA with Trivia Shark

Join us every Friday night at 6pm for Dayton's Best LIVE TRIVIA with Trivia Shark at Miami Valley Sports Bar!...

6:30 pm - 9:00 pm

Hands-On: Steakhouse/Cooking with a Partner

August 22 @ 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm

Hands-On: Steakhouse/Cooking with a Partner

Pan-Seared Filet Mignon with Porcini Mushroom Butter Mashed Potatoes with Boursin Cheese Raspberry Fudge Brownies with Chambord Sauce Your confirmation...

$195
7:00 pm - 9:00 pm Recurring

Star City Free Concert Series

August 22 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm Recurring

Star City Free Concert Series

Join us in the newly renovated Riverfront Park this year at The Ginkgo amphitheater to enjoy multiple different types of...

Free
8:00 pm

A Raisin in the Sun

August 22 @ 8:00 pm

A Raisin in the Sun

The Younger family dreams of more. But in 1950s Chicago, racism, redlining, and hard luck sear even the smallest hopes...

$19 – $26
+ 4 More
10:00 am - 12:30 pm

Annual Growing Black Business Symposium

August 23 @ 10:00 am - 12:30 pm

Annual Growing Black Business Symposium

Hear from a panel of small business experts as they discuss challenges, give insight, and share resources for Black Owned...

10:00 am - 11:00 pm Recurring

Clifton Gorge Music & Arts Festival

August 23 @ 10:00 am - 11:00 pm Recurring

Clifton Gorge Music & Arts Festival

A two-day festival celebrating our local musicians and artisans The Clifton Gorge Music and Arts Festival will be August 22...

11:00 am - 2:00 pm Recurring

Claybourne GRILLE

August 23 @ 11:00 am - 2:00 pm Recurring

Claybourne GRILLE

11:00 am - 5:00 pm

Jefferson Township Day Festival

August 23 @ 11:00 am - 5:00 pm

Jefferson Township Day Festival

We are delighted to invite you to our upcoming Jefferson Township Day, which will take place on August 23rd from...

11:30 am - 8:00 pm

wrappin&rollincafe

August 23 @ 11:30 am - 8:00 pm

wrappin&rollincafe

Southwest Chicken Wrap Marinated Chicken, , Cheddar Cheese, Zesty Cilantro Lime Sauce, Black Beans/Grilled Corn Mix, Lettu... $11.00 Club Wrap...

12:00 pm - 1:00 pm

Succulent in a Mug Workshop

August 23 @ 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm

Succulent in a Mug Workshop

Fun for Everyone! Get ready for a delightful and easy-peasy workshop where friends, family, and kiddos of all ages can...

$10
12:30 pm - 5:00 pm

Nazli’s Sweet Home Bakery Grand Opening

August 23 @ 12:30 pm - 5:00 pm

Nazli’s Sweet Home Bakery Grand Opening

1:30 pm - 4:30 pm

Dayton Flow Arts Gathering

August 23 @ 1:30 pm - 4:30 pm

Dayton Flow Arts Gathering

Calling all flow artists! Whether you're a seasoned performer, hobbyist, or just starting your flow journey, the Dayton Flow Arts Gathering is...

$17.85
+ 10 More
8:00 am - 12:00 pm

Miamisburg Triathlon

August 24 @ 8:00 am - 12:00 pm

Miamisburg Triathlon

The Miamisburg Triathlon is a great way to close out your summer. The bike and run are both flat, fast...

11:00 am

Grist Class: MEATBALLS & POMODORO!

August 24 @ 11:00 am

Grist Class: MEATBALLS & POMODORO!

You've asked for the secret to our meatballs—good news, we don’t keep secrets! In this hands-on class, you’ll learn how...

$128
11:00 am - 12:00 pm Recurring

Free Belly Dancing Class

August 24 @ 11:00 am - 12:00 pm Recurring

Free Belly Dancing Class

Free
11:00 am - 7:00 pm

What The Taco?!

August 24 @ 11:00 am - 7:00 pm

What The Taco?!

Chipotle Chicken Taco GRILLED CHICKEN, SHREDDED LETTUCE, PICO DE GALLO, CILANTRO SOUR CREAM & MONTEREY JACK $10.00 Ground Beef Taco...

1:00 pm - 6:00 pm Recurring

Joe Joe’s BBQ

August 24 @ 1:00 pm - 6:00 pm Recurring

Joe Joe’s BBQ

serving Pulled Pork, Brisket, Mac & Cheese, and more!

3:00 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

A Raisin in the Sun

August 24 @ 3:00 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

A Raisin in the Sun

The Younger family dreams of more. But in 1950s Chicago, racism, redlining, and hard luck sear even the smallest hopes...

$19 – $26
3:30 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

British Afternoon Tea

August 24 @ 3:30 pm - 5:00 pm Recurring

British Afternoon Tea

Come join us for an authentic British Afternoon Tea experience. Held at The Last Queen, a British gastropub, you'll be...

$38.77
5:00 pm

Unraveling Effervescence: Bubbles without Borders

August 24 @ 5:00 pm

Unraveling Effervescence: Bubbles without Borders

Menu Poulet au Blanc · Roasted Provence Vegetables · Arugula, parmesan, cauliflower, and lemon vinaigrette salad · Cebiche · Cauliflower...

$55
+ 6 More
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