Shana Lloyd

Last night I announced that I would be giving up all text communication for 40 Days, a sacrifice unheard of in this day and technical age. I wasn’t surprised by all the comments of utter shock that I would choose to do so. Over lunch today, I started to rethink text communication and how texting just doesn’t cover this instantaneous messaging madness and actually provokes more digital communication by way of email and direct messages. So, instead of just texting…I’ve decided to give up Facebook for 40 Days. Go ahead and say, “She’s nuts.” No, I am really not.

For months I’ve been struggled with being condemned for being happy about all of the exciting things happening in my life. Can you imagine being told by your supposed friends that “your success is hard to watch.” The fact is, I am always happy, even when I was working retail at Macy’s at 16, because I find the joys in every aspect of my life big or small and when something major happens it’s becomes an emotional overload, my bad. Being in the spotlight isn’t easy and had I decided to argue about my happiness, I might have said for all the work that I do I kind of deserve it. I don’t however because in the great scheme of things what people think really doesn’t matter. Frankly, the sadness and lack of gratitude and appreciation for life in general is what’s hard to watch on Facebook and I find joy in seeing people who are happy. If you don’t, you should probably re-evaluation your life.

Am I quitting Facebook because of haters? Nope.  I am taking a sabbatical in an effort to stimulate real conversation verse real time web conversations and building more solid relationships with my network, family and friends. I plan on having more one on ones and really getting to know the people that matter so that I can continue to use my God given talents to help them; without broadcasting it on Facebook all day.  Given my profession, this will be difficult for me to do.   However, I think focusing all of my energy on my job, my projects, writing and growing my organization will present more direct and positive results in my life.

Whether you’re religious or not the purpose of Lent is to acknowledge the ultimate sacrifice and realize that in our lives, there are things that are more of a convenience than a need. I am also reminded that persecution will never cease, motives will always be questioned but if you are determined to do good then nothing anyone says or does will change that. As transparent as you think you are those around you will always question you.

The best way to live a meaningful life and make a difference, is to do so with little fuss.  The difference I make can be seen in the lives of those whom I touch, not a news feed on Facebook.

40 Days from now…I will be a better person.

No you’re Not the Good Kind

June 6^th, 2009 driving home from work stuck on Rt. 35 in miserable traffic, The Good Kind by the Wreckers was playing and I was a wreck myself. I still, to this day tell friends who know what happened, that my ride home that day was some sort of an omen. I probably knew for a very a long time but just didn’t want to come to terms with what was really happening.

Ohio Was For Lovers

I’m sure I hinted at this in my grand entrance article back in January and despite what I’d love to tell people, it was not my career that brought me here to the great state of Ohio.  There was a time when I was less jaded and a hopeless romantic that believed in fairy tale endings.  Part of me now, still does but I would be lying if I said my outlook on love, relationships and the true meaning of happiness hasn’t changed a slight bit.

Not sure entirely how it happened, but a few years back I found myself wrapped up in a long distance relationship, literally from New Jersey to Ohio with love. It was one of those random things that you never expect in life but are so great while you’re in them.  I remember everyone around me telling me it was like a movie, and while most of the time it was, towards the end it was more of a Lifetime movie rather than a Nicholas Sparks film. I reference Big Nick a lot in my writing and it’s purely because as unrealistic as his stories are, many of us still cling to his version of happily ever after, as if it were the only definition of true happiness. Though the ending is still undetermined, my movie has been very different.

After about a year of traveling back and forth, the happiness I felt when being in Ohio was unmatched by anything else I’d felt in any other place and so I decided, “we decided” that we’d take a leap of faith. In a very short time, I packed up my life and left the Garden State behind. I remember thinking, I’d never felt such a sense of hope and belief that true happiness was right across state lines. Was it about the relationship or was it more? In retrospect, I believe that the relationship was merely a gateway to so much more that was in store for me, yet I, like many, had to stumble through tragedy to find my way.

Reality Kicked In

Every relationship has its honeymoon phase and over time things change, not always for the bad, but things become how shall I say, less intense. I wouldn’t say that the love faded but feelings certainly changed.  Moving away from everything one knows does something to a person. It leaves you feeling like you could do anything in the world if you really put your heart and soul into it. For a long time, I felt like I was playing a role rather than living to my full potential.  I was working from home and seriously lacking in social fulfillment. My life became all about the relationship and nothing about me, or my dreams, what I wanted out of life and in some respects I started to sabotage my own happiness .  Whether by an act of God or some force of nature, in the Spring of 2009 I was laid off. It didn’t take long to secure a new job, but it meant having to leave the home and back to a 9 to 5 gig.  I adjusted to the role change fine, however, the relationship did not.

I believe for the most part, despite my not being entirely happy that I did everything in my power to make it work but after a while you start to think, a relationship shouldn’t require that much work. Still, in my heart this person was the first and only person I could imagine spending my life with. So, I compromised a great deal of myself to make it work but I think after a while my subconscious gave in and I just stopped trying…I still struggle at times trying to understand where we went wrong but some things are just not meant to be and when you accept that, it becomes easier to understand.

About a week prior to the end, we had a conversation about the future and what we both wanted. That talk to me, was a new hope and even though there were things we still needed to work out, with nothing but sincerity or so I thought, he assured me that he wanted us to be together forever.  Then the lights went out.

The End

For no reason that day in my car driving home, I cried hysterically thinking that any day it was going to end.  All I could think of us was that I had picked up my life and left everything for nothing, that if it were to end it would kill me inside.  I happened to check my phone sitting at a light, Facebook of course and noticed that on my wall was silly gift ring from him with a message saying, “You said I’d never give you a ring, love you can’t wait for you to get home” a message that is still lingering out there in cyberspace waiting to be caught by some “memory algorithm” I’m sure.  Well, some things on Facebook are not so official and it was probably him just trying to make me feel better, as he often did.  Strung out and tired as usual, my mood was far from pleasant when I got home despite the gesture.  Instead of  leaving my day behind me when I walked into my home I picked a fight about something so trivial, something that I should have just let go but I didn’t. That was about an hour before he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore, that the relationship wasn’t working for him. I believe in my heart that it was that argument which was the last straw for him and it wasn’t that I didn’t love him, I just couldn’t find that balance to separate my work life and home life.  Pressure to be perfect in all aspects of my life weighed heavily in my mind, despite his endless effort to assure me I was perfect in his eyes. I know that it probably killed him to do that to me and though it was painful, he did what he had to do for his own happiness and I don’t blame him.

In the months to follow, he later told me that he had developed strong feelings for someone else and several months later they were together, despite some things that kept them apart early on. Today he his engaged to that person and they are to be married this summer. He describes her as the “one” and in some twisted way, they inspire me and give me hope that maybe second chances do exist.

What Happened Next

I listened to a whole lot of Rascal Flatts and drank a ton of wine. No sense in sugar coating it because I was an absolute mess.  There were other things that just pushed the knife deeper and deeper and all I could think was when is it going to end. Though my struggles continued, I shortly began to see one blessing after another bestowed upon me. He wasn’t a bad guy, we just weren’t meant to be and I started to realize that had I cared that much about the relationship,  I probably would have tried harder myself.  After a while, I started to see the reasoning behind all that had happened, you know that silver lining people are always ranting about. From where I stand now, all of my sadness might have been worth it. It’s shaped me in some respects and ignited what some probably think of as an obnoxious spirit within me I never knew existed, a spirit that now will not let me settle for anything less than extraordinary for my life.  All of it lead me here and not just to Dayton, but to my life, a life lived as it was intended to be lived. It may shock many to hear, but him and I still remain good friends even now after all that has happened, and that says a lot. He’s genuinely happy in his life and so I am. Many in my life are baffled by that, but such is life.

Why am I Sharing This?

Because frankly, shit happens and there’s no better way to put it. We all go through things in life that bring us down but we all have the power to pull through and make the best of any situation, if we allow ourselves too.  I could have easily packed my stuff up and went crying home to New Jersey but I didn’t, I stayed.  Almost two years later, I am more successful then I’d ever imagined I’d be and it’s not about my career it’s about how I view myself and feel about where I am headed in life. Happiness can be defined in so many ways and yeah,  I once clung to the idea of a fairy tale romance being it for me. It still may be, but for now I move forward each day making the most out of what I’m given.  Moral of the story is, never give up because you just never know what can happen if you just believe it will be ok.  I used to say that I’d never be that girl in her 30s still single, yet here I am…, successful, extremely happy and yeah I’m single but I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world. As young professionals we may struggle finding the balance, but that doesn’t mean you should settle because you think your time to find love will run out. Never stop trying to fulfill your dreams and be part of things larger than yourself. Happiness is all around and if we just let go of all we’ve been told maybe there’s a few surprises waiting around the corner. Just don’t give up.

Love may have brought me here, but faith is what has kept me here.

Are we becoming too connected?

Before I continue, I’d like to just say that this is me being the pot who calls the kettle black. At the end, you can say to yourself “did that just happen.” Well, it’s about to, so you can either use some of the advice in this article or not.

It is part of my profession to be connected on social networks daily, to post updates, to keep people informed and to have interactive conversations, in a nutshell it’s what I do to keep a roof over my head.  However,  in January I decided that I was going to make a conscious effort to cut back on “personal” use because I had started to feel like I had a relationship with the internet rather than with myself and my life. It’s now almost the end of February and I’m still plugged in tighter than a wine cork but I am not throwing in the towel just yet. On the plus side, the weather is getting warmer which is a distraction from the shiny things that have a hold of me right now. Logging off will get easier as the grass gets greener.  By the way, in this case it is greener on the other side.

A Digital Society

There is no doubt that what we are witnessing here, with regard to how we communicate and share,  is a revolutionary and exciting time for so many reasons, from consumer empowerment to social change and ignited advocacy. In the same token, we’ve become completely enveloped in our cyber lives that for some of us, our real life is suffering.  I would never say to do anything so drastic as to unplug entirely but I do believe there exists a balance, or at least that is what they tell me. It’s difficult for to personally disconnect with the temptation of being connected for work.  However, the rest of you (77.4% of the population) on the internet, yeah you, what the hell is your excuse? I think we’re doing ourselves a serious injustice by spending a majority of our free time online rather than out in the real world experiencing life.

Relationships

I know many people will cling to the fact that social networks and the internet keep their families and friends easily accessible.  To me, however, there is a certain level of true connectivity that is lacking when we communicate online daily rather than making time to do things together and spend real time (not real time web) with one another.  There is no replacement for face to face conversation and I fear we are losing the desire for it, some of us that is.  Remember the days when we just called each other on the phone, made plans and just stuck to that? Nowadays we text or email each other constantly just to finalize one plan and though we may create events on Facebook and end up getting together,  we end up on Facebook the entire time giving our friends and family a play by play of what we’re doing. When did we become so audience obsessed?

About a month ago, in conversation (face to face) with a good friend of mine I was looking down at my phone, answering emails and texts, not thinking for a second that what I was doing was rude. It’s just become so “normal.” Well, to her it was not normal. In fact, she was so offended by what I was doing and how rude it truly was that she expressed it and not in a “hey, you’re being rude” kind of way. Instead, it was more of genuine concern for me and what she felt, was becoming borderline unhealthy. In that moment, I think I hit some sort of interweb rock bottom. “Things have to change.”

Cause and Effect

Well we covered the cause. Now let’s discuss some of the effects. Our work is suffering because of constant distractions. Our relationships suffer because we commit more to telling a stupid box what’s on our minds ten or more times a day, rather than just telling each other face to face. Our privacy and intimate details of our lives have now become a sitcom for the world to see. We’ve become some sick breed of egocentric wannabe celebrities that are constantly looking for reassurance in the form of a “like.” If this seems harsh, well imagine what I felt when I was faced with the harsh reality of what I am starting to become.  It’s no wonder Zombies have become such a fad, we’re all becoming them.

Everything in Moderation

Like your meats, fruits, veggies and grains..ingest the internet in moderation.  Instead of sharing every one of the most exciting events of your life on the web, pick up the phone and share that excitement with friends and family. If you’re feeling like no one cares it’s because you’ve become so accustomed to that “like” button, a button that in the great scheme of the things means nothing other than an impression or view, big deal. Congratulations you were lucky enough to catch some other zombie’s attention at that given moment.  I hear people complain daily about how they don’t understand why no one comments or likes their updates on Facebook and I am always like, heh? “How do you get so many comments on your posts Shana?”, I hear.  There’s a difference between a personal user and professional doing personal branding or a business trying to grow.  You’re not a brand trying to create awareness and boost revenue, you’re not a cause that needs activism, you’re not a band looking to build their fan base.  You’re just another average Joe or Jane who created a profile on Facebook or Twitter or wherever to have a little fun and keep in contact with friends, stop taking it so seriously. Is it really that important how many “likes” you get?

Om. Relax. Find Balance.

Take a few moments and rethink how you spend your free time in life. Are you fulfilled? If you even think for a second, that you may potentially spend too much time online, odds are you do. I do, I know I do. However, gradually I am making changes necessary to get back to simplicity and enjoy my free time, offline. Start thinking about those hobbies you once loved and start getting back into them. Remember what life was like before all of this. I blame damn beepers, they changed everything.   Back to my point, being connected is great but you need time for yourself in the real world. Not only for your health but for your emotional stability, for your sanity! Be emotionally charged by the life you have off of the social network wall. Give someone a real hug, instead of a poke. Ask someone for feedback over lunch rather than a blog post. Turn your mobile phones and log off your computers for a few or more hours a day if you can, and see what’s happening in the world around you. Today, I told someone I needed a vacation and his response was, “How are you going to get away from yourself?”. He’s right, only we have control over what we do and if we need a break it’s up to us to take one.

Update your life, not your status. Log  into yourself instead of the internet.

Just something to think about.. Yeah, that really did just happen.

In the spirit of all things Valentine’s, I felt the need to write a little something about my fabulous dating life.  If you didn’t sense the sarcasm in that first statement, please read further.   Being 30 something and single is fairly common and as ridiculous as dating can sometimes be, Dayton on top of all its other perks is very single friendly, more on that later.  First, let’s talk about dating.

As a professional in marketing who dabbles in interactive media, a good majority of my life is digitized.  While I enjoy being able to connect and engage with people on the regular,  it’s a very hard habit  break when off the clock and there are just certain things in life that do not need to be so “digital”.   However, taking the natural course of action with regard to dating, seems to have lost its appeal and many are looking for love on the world wide web.  Online dating, yeah, let’s talk about that.   In all honesty, I view my participation on these sites as more of a social experiment rather than a means to find that “one true love”.  It’s been more entertaining than successful.   Here is what I’ve learned.

The Perks

Online dating definitely allows you to focus more on initial conversations rather than the physical   attraction aspect of dating, which I am hoping is still important.  Communication is paramount to the success of any relationship and we all know this.  Dating sites encourage and provide a comfortable setting to get to know one another over time without the pressure of spontaneous meetings that lead to awkward conversations and having to come up with things to say at random.  Witty as I am, I’m seriously challenged in the art of conversation sometimes when it comes to dating.

The Flaws

Or risk factors should I say. False advertising.  You never really know what you’re getting.  People can say whatever they want in a profile and though I’m not shallow with much concern about looks,  pictures are easily edited these days and there’s really no telling who will show up on your first date,  in comparison to what you saw on Match.com or wherever.  You’ve been warned.

My Experience

I’ve had several dates from several different sites and guess what, I’m still single.  Am I datable? Sure I am. Then what went wrong? In most cases, the flaw I mentioned earlier was the issue. The men I agreed to meet were digitally pleasing but not so much in person.  My standards and expectations aren’t anything out of the norm but if a guy says he’s 6 ft tall and all 5’ 5” of him shows up for dinner..yeah, I have a problem with that. Or the guy who calls himself an “entrepreneur” who’s really just not employed and lacking in anything remotely close to having ambition. There’s also the guy who say’s he’s single but is in a relationship just testing the waters or weighing his options. Oh and the guy who doesn’t date girls with tattoos and is really careful about who he brings around his colleagues but wasn’t able to fully read a profile that clearly indicates “has a few tattoos”.  Hopefully he meets with those colleagues on how to read thoroughly, maybe they can help him. I won’t bore you further with more stories but let’s just say it’s not been all candy and roses, more like “To Catch a Predator”.

Single in the City

While I continue on the quest for love, I’m still having a grand ole time in this city.  I’d like to share a few things that make this city so “single friendly” especially for those of you who are Valentine’s challenged this year.   Here are a few things you can do solo that are great time and don’t leave you feeling like a social outcast because you’re alone.  These are a few of my favorite spots, but there is so much to do in this city to keep busy.

Get Your Culture On.

The Dayton Art Institute

Dayton Opera

Dayton Philharmonic

Stuff Your Face..But Be Healthy About It. (You want to look good when you do get a date)

Dayton Dining

Have a Cocktail.

SideBar

Now Disconnect.

Like any woman, ideally a relationship is something that I want  but I am not entirely sure I’m into the online dating scene.  In life there are so many opportunities to meet people. Get off your damn computer,  get out and enjoy life.  Then, be surprised by those you encounter in the process because who knows who can meet! I find that some of our greatest pleasures in life are those that happen when  we least expect them. If you insist on digital dating, be safe and smart about it. Invest time to really get to know someone before agreeing to meet in public. Let your friends or family know when and where you’re meeting prior to and then enjoy your date.

Oh and by the way, thanks to Lisa Grisgby and WDTN, I know that when I do find love, I’m in one of the most romantic cities there is! Something to look forward to, eh?  But if you are alone this Valentine’s Day, don’t worry yourself about it.  It’s a dumb holiday that makes people feel down on themselves if they’re not in a relationship. It’s a day to boast about love and frankly when its real there’s no need to make a big fuss about it.  Go out and pamper yourself, do something fun and enjoy you.  It’s 24 hours and it will be over before you’ve eaten that entire box of chocolates or pint of ice cream while watching a bunch of movies by Nicholas Sparks. Just smile and be happy, it will be over before you know it.

Oh and if you have an interesting story about dating, being single in Dayton or anything related…I encourage you to share your story!

Who is Shana Douglas and Why Should We Care?

I’m a random mouthy kid from the great state of New Jersey and if you’re a fan of all things Dayton but still question the appeal this city has to young professionals (nationally) who are looking for permanent residence, you care what I have to say.

Who in the World Moves to Ohio?

If I had a nickel for every time this was said to me just 4 years ago before leaving New Jersey, I wouldn’t be rich but I’d have a change purse full.  Well, I am here now. I won’t go into all of the specifics or divulge the entire saga of what has lead me to Ohio. The important part is that I am planted firmly in the Dayton region.  It is however my inaugural article here at Daytonmostmetro.com , so I will give you a bit of my background before my first official feature in February.

Long before “Jersey Shore” and “Jerseylicious” was a girl who thought she’d never venture out of the Garden State.  If you enjoy those shows, I apologize. To each is own, but I can assure you that not all of the people who reside in New Jersey are like the fictional characters you watch on TV. I hope you don’t really believe it’s Reality TV?  Still it made me squirm to think of building a life there, I knew I wanted something more for my life and more of an opportunity to succeed.

Why Ohio?

I heard that “Ohio Was For Lovers” in a song by Hawthorne Heights. Right, well when love failed I decided my stay here had to become about something a bit more.  I decided to take my years of experience in my field and look for an opportunity to grow further, you know, focus on my career instead. The first city I researched oddly enough was Dayton. I can’t really tell you my reasoning then, but I can tell you now, that almost two years later I am confident in my decision.

Why Dayton?

My question is why the hell not? I think if people put down the sour news they’re reading that possesses this region and actually spent some time here, they would understand why. I grew up minutes away from THE “Big City” and I would never argue that’s its one of the most remarkable cities I’ve been to. The art, the culture, the people – it definitely has a unique and almost magical allure to it. However, so does Dayton.  Let’s start with the people.

When I decided to stick around I considered my life a blank slate. It didn’t take long however, before an overwhelming amount of color was in my life.  I’ve always been very passionate about volunteer work and one of the first things I sought out was opportunities in the region to get involved. Back on the East Coast I never found it easy to locate groups of people with the same passion, here in Dayton that is certainly not the case. Within weeks I had identified amazing groups doing wildly impactful things for the region. It was inspiring to see such a grassroots effort by several groups and organizations with essentially the same mission, to rebuild the reputation of such a great city. I say “reputation” because opportunity never really ceased, it just needs to be uncovered.

On Arts and Culture

The creative energy in this city far surpasses anything I have ever witnessed and when coupled with the amazing talent that resides in the region, I haven’t once felt in a rut in terms of my own need for being stimulated creatively.  Art centers and galleries, museums, performing arts, music festivals and events..there’s always something going on, and affordable to attend. The city of Dayton makes it easy for young professionals to really feel like they are “socially” fulfilled.  Here, life can be enjoyed without emptying your bank account and I think that factor alone is lot of the reason why I stay. If you live an active lifestyle you want to be out meeting people, learning new things and living life as if it were an adventure. Dayton has much potential for adventure. If you doubt me, you can certainly peruse DaytonMostMetro.com further for what’s happening around town.

Professional Growth

I don’t believe I would have had the same opportunities on the East Coast that I have had here, in fact I know it. The openness to listen and value the ideas of a younger generation of professionals who are up and coming was something I never really experienced before moving here.  I think that’s why many like myself do stay, because we’re being heard and are given the opportunity to work collaboratively with professionals in all career stages. You can’t beat that learning experience.

So There it is, My Grand Entrance

Consider this a teaser, because what I plan on covering for Daytonmostmetro.com is everything a Young Professional faces in a time within our lives when self discovery is so important. Choosing a path to pursue is a shaky period in one’s life and there are so many things we face that lead us to the decisions we make.  I have some advice based on my experiences and hopefully together we can get some definitive answers on how to deal with all the gems and duds life presents us with. I’ll be covering topics that may be considered taboo and offering my opinions on a great many things, which I apologize for in advance but welcome rigorous debate. I’ll try to keep the Jersey attitude to a minimum, but make no promises.

Thanks to Daytonmostmetro.com for having me and look for my first feature in my column “From Jersey, to Dayton With Love” coming this February!