Shana Lloyd

In the last couple of weeks a few seemingly unrelated yet similar incidents occurred. We’ll start with this. “Just because he’s into all of the same nerdy shit as you doesn’t mean he’s your soul mate.” Powerful little tidbit muttered by a close friend this week who also pattern dates might I mention. I admit, I have a tendency to pattern date and be very selective. I have an ideal mental image of the person I’d like to see myself  with and so when that surfaces I tend to over think everything and find myself pining over inevitably what turns out to be a lost a cause, still a learning experience none the less.  I am not sure if any other women or men do this, but I tend to typecast who I date and if you don’t fit that mold you haven’t a chance in hell. Am I sabotaging potential relationships by this picky behavior, probably so but like everything else in my life the details matter. For me anyway.

Opposites Attract? Shit.

Earlier this week it was pointed out to me that the phrase “Opposites Attract” has real meaning to it. My question is what exactly is that meaning because I’ve not come across a shirt and tie that I could see myself with; this would be exact opposite of me a bro, a jock, a yuppy or whatever, you know the type.  Is it the past that has scorned me (dated a few) or do I really just prefer the t-shirt and jeans type of guy? I prefer the t-shirt and jeans type of guy. A common thing I always hear among my circle of gal pals (blind leading the blind by the way) is that I need a man who knows what he wants and apparently they only come in shirt and tie fashion. This can’t be true?  The evidence to prove otherwise may be lacking and that is the problem.  I don’t think I’ve ever once been attracted to an opposite, whatever an opposite is.  So these guys on dating sites that have screen names which reflect their favorite sport teams, wearing it  as some badge of honor, are not my guy.  Yet the search results lead them to me. How unfortunate. I’m pretty forthright with what I want and who I am and I’m continuously attracting not anything remotely close to what I’d envision myself with.  Opposites are attracted to me and I not them. This presents a dilemma, one I am realizing has become more of an annoyance than anything else and certainly not flattering.  As a professional who’s pretty successful does this put me in some category where shirt and tie is my only option? There’s a whole other fun side of me that certainly hopes not. I’m at a roadblock and thinking that perhaps I need to try on something new, perhaps an investment banker or doctor and see where that goes but really I think it would awkward and forced. The rich, the doting, I find it dull and not my thing. I don’t want the male version of me but do opposites really have to attract?

Dirty Starts Go Nowhere.

What did you say? I find myself thinking this all the damn time lately. Creepy and lame pickup lines have now been replaced with digital dirtiness, fabulous.  Mobile devices apparently have given guys a right of passage to unsolicited and random premature dirty talk. I’m well aware that I have a great rack thank you for noticing please don’t comment further when I’ve never even met you, thanks.  I guess I’m just not that starved for attention that I find this behavior flattering. This is why I tend to go with the shy guy because either they have great manners or they’re just too scared to say such things. I’m glad that some men have enough confidence to say whatever their big head or little head triggers them saying so but trust me when I tell you that unless you’re some heart throb it’s just gross and unnecessary. I attract a lot of this.  Again with the opposites.  Shit.  Between Facebook pokes, Skype requests, unsolicited sexts and random inappropriate wall posts I find myself feeling like I’m surrounded by a pack of horny wolves who’ve forgotten the art of conversation. Is this really dating in 2011? What happened to slow paced getting to know you kind of stuff? The city is in heat and it needs to cool down a bit. Am I the only person out there who doesn’t budge for boob compliments? Those who do this are opposite of me and my character. Opposites don’t attract.

A Stunner in Heels.

And Chanel might I add.  As I re-enter the world of being a skinny bitch, I find myself more confident. With that comes new digs and lip gloss called Sugar Shag. I have to admit there isn’t a doubt in my mind that confidence attracts but again, what exactly? I wonder sometimes if the things said to me while I am out or the way in which I’m approached actually works on other women. My friends tell me I have a tendency to be wound up to tight and blow too many people off.  Perhaps I do, but again that mental image of what I want has only surfaced twice in the last 2 years and while neither worked out I’m still thinking my guy will fit that image, personality and gentleman like persona.   It’s all pretty confusing.  I admit that this weekend I got all dolled up (first time in a while) and it was really just for one person. To him, however I was invisible but to several others that was not the case.  Bummed about that I was pissy all night and I don’t really recall how many exactly I gave the cold shoulder to afterwards but there were a few.  Which brings me back to the theme in this stream of consciousness, is that mental image of perfection for me hindering me from meeting someone well, different?  Is Mr. Right really Mr. Opposite? Why is different so uncomfortable for me? I’ve thought about this for a few days and the only real thing I can determine is that different sometimes tries to change you. I don’t want to be changed. I like being simple, having fun, enjoying time with friends and not feeling pressured to be something I am not..something more like my opposite.  Gentleman wanted.

Curveball.

No one around me is really breaking the pattern yet they’re advising me to think outside of the beard box for a little while and get a taste of the opposite life. I’m not entirely sure that I am ready to give it a go but it’s certainly something I am analyzing, obviously. Last night I ran into a reader and invited him to sit and chat with my friends. He said he’d rather read about my dating debacles in my column. We were only discussing what I was going to write about this week for a short while but his statement got me thinking.  All of this being single and dating talk really doesn’t do anything to help myself or my friends. I’d bet money that most guys I meet also fear they’d become a topic for my column. If you’re a douche your behavior may be mentioned but no names are ever dropped.  If you’re that worried about it I’d suggest rethinking that behavior and lessoning the level of column worthy content then before asking me out.  So, back to the curveball. I guess I really have no objection to trying something different or changing my approach because obviously my mental perfect image has yet to surface and pine out.  The funny thing, some of the greatest guys I know who are my good friends are exact opposite of me and we get along great. So perhaps, there is something to it. I plan on doing some investigative research and will probably have a future column on this supposed “Opposites Attract” theory.

The juxtaposition of this column is at best a way for me to sort out my own chaos but as always I hope it triggers some provoking thoughts for my readers. If you exhibit pattern dating behavior, I’d love to hear from you and if you’ve stopped the cycle.

I’m finding lately that the best material for my column is that which derives directly from my own life, whether chaos or calm and depending on the week, the trials and tribulations of Shana are pretty amusing. Over the last week I have started to really see the affects of past relationships and how those experiences sometimes leave us jaded and apprehensive to enter a new one. I’ve been single for two years and felt for a long time that it was merely because I wanted to “find me.”  In part it has been mostly about that but the dark side of it has been more about me just being scared to do it all over again, sad but true. Though I’ve dated a few people here and there, my feelings were always questionable and it was more like I was doing it just to do it, not because I genuinely had feelings for them. If anyone I dated reads this, sorry but it is what it is…I just wasn’t that into you. I’ve been lucky up until recently though. By lucky I mean not having feelings has been an act of grace because once you do or I do rather, strange things start to happen. For me an alternate version of myself surfaces..awkward and socially inept. Hard to believe, I know.

Is it Them or Me?

One of the questions I’ve asked myself lately is whether or not I was just with the wrong type of guys and perhaps I need to steer completely away from that type and embrace something different? People have been telling me for months who would be perfect for me and the more I see what they come up with the more I realize that they haven’t a clue. I’ve have however been a person to type cast my dating life and the only three relationships I’ve been in were all similar in nature, how they started and how they ended. Was it them or was it me? In the last two years, I can tell you that I think without a doubt it was me. I rush things, I push and pry, I analyze and over think and all it did was land me into 13 years of something not right. Certainly not a waste of time, it’s just taken me a longer time to realize exactly what I want and what I deserve. I can tell from most of my friends who are single that we all do the same thing and I know my  married friends are thinking, “Thank God, I don’t have to go through that anymore.”  The blind dates, the setups, the online dating catastrophes .. I am pretty over it. I think I have the capability of knowing when someone deserves a second look, a third and fourth..so the steering committee in my life can take a seat. I will commend however, a few strangers for handpicking someone I was already interested in though, gold stars for them.

Don’t Ask My Neighbors. – The Emotions Had it Right.

The other problem, though I love them dearly, friends. They tend to allow their own jaded perspective interfere with rational advice giving. I offer the same kind of ridiculous advice myself so I recognize it now. Assumptions are really a cancer to any relationship and why do we so often seek the advice of others rather than going directly to the source? Dating is tough enough without the noise pollution of assumptions by others. No one could possibly know exactly what anyone is thinking especially someone outside of the situation. Yes, there are patterns and signs of things but there are also exceptions. If a guy doesn’t answer my text right away or call, most would say “Hey he’s not interested, move on. Can people be busy anymore, or just shy.. or want to take the time to get to know someone, where did all these rules come from?  What happens then is I start to pull away because we all believe what were told in some way and though we boast that we are confident in the decisions we make on our own, sometimes we really aren’t at all. We’re just under the influence of craziness, yes craziness.  Having feelings for someone can do that. My advice, take time to get to know someone. If something upsets you address it, let the person know why you feel that way and if it continues despite your mentioning, then you know .. yeah, they are probably not interested or don’t really care that much. Communication is a marvelous thing.  In general we make way too many assumptions in life. Everything depends on something and anything CAN mean anything. Why search for answers when most things are eventually made evident? Live for the day and whatever happens happens, it’s not going to change you unless you let it.

Did I let It?

Yes, but with good reason. I did need to find me. I recognized that after the end of the last relationship that the only person that needed to change was me.  The great thing to come of my “time off” is that I realize the benefit of things happening over time and I no longer think of dating as “Eventually I have to meet someone!”  Eventually tends to mean things need to happen within a certain time frame or they will never happen at all. That thinking is a very constricted way of living and not really living at all. Worry takes over and reading into things really is just worry. Worry is useless.

What Does Work.

It’s great to be attracted to someone but what I’ve learned is that attraction over time can fade and successful relationships in love are based on friendship and can not exist without it. Though I’ve never been a person who really weighs looks, none of my relationships were based on a real emotional connection immediately and I know that now. The connection happened over time with some but I was more in love with the idea of love than actually being in love. What I want is friendship, a person who I can be myself around someone who fully excepts the dork in me but also sees the extraordinary things in me that I sometimes don’t see in myself…and I in them. We are all going to be old and wrinkly one day, I really just want a person who can have a good conversation, is nice and makes me laugh. There’s not much of anything more attractive to me than that, well other than beards a love for coffee and an appreciation for nerds.  Whoever said that it happens immediately, that comfort level was wrong.  How could you possibly be comfortable with someone you’ve just met?  Take the time to get to know someone and don’t be scared of the outcome.  I think it’s okay to be awkward and shy, I’m starting to think that it may even really be a good sign. Whether a person is meant for you or not, nervousness may be a good thing…for me it means I can feel again. Something for a very long time I didn’t think possible.  I could have easily been the person to jump right into something new two years ago, but I didn’t .. sometimes it makes sense to hold out and wait.  Let go of what you think you need and want and let nature run its course. I’m okay with being the nice girl that finishes last if last means I end up with the right person at the right time and that’s not something I control.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason or a season..and that depends on you.

Hey, thanks for reading. Not sure if this helps you or not but it was therapeutic to get it off my chest.

In a recent conversation with a friend while preparing for an upcoming date, a topic surfaced that at the time was quite hilarious but later given some serious thought. The question that also comes up prior to a big date or going out in general is, “Where are you going for your date?” or “What are you in the mood for” yet never did it cross my mind that in dating sometimes location is everything.  This is going to be one of those columns that either makes you laugh or ticks you off, either way I hope you’ll read it through.

Mostly focused on what I was going to wear, while searching the internet for ideas my friend says to me very seriously, “You should go to The Wine Loft in case you end up making out, the couches there are pretty comfy and it’s dim lit.” I sat in silence for all of two minutes before I agreed. It was a valid point. I’m always joking about the need for a strategic plan in my dating life and maybe there is some truth in that. Either way, it made an interesting idea for a post.

DAYting.

What if we predetermined our weekend and nightly activities based on what we are in the mood for  that day or in general where the type of person we’d like to be with may frequent? Interesting thought isn’t it? With the help of friends I’ve put together a list of places in Dayton that may assist with finding that “one” person, or not.  This post is meant to be taken with a grain of salt. Consider it a clever attempt by a girl who has been failed by fate, happily ever after and of course..online dating. I’m a bit of a pro with location marketing so now I am taking a stab at location dating. If you’ve reverted back to circumstantial dating like myself, it may help to get more strategic in your efforts. Or not, whatever.

Your Mood, Your Want, Your Location.

I Like Your Beard. – If you’re like me, you appreciate a good beard. I may be wrong but in general I think that Dayton is the beard Capital of the World and if that is not official it should be.  Where does one go to find a guy sporting a nice beard in Dayton? Well, Blind Bob’s of course. Not only is the music great, selection of beer awesome and service superb but the place is swarming with BEARDS. Hipsters aside, it’s still one of my favorite go to’s in Dayton.

TShirt Time. – I miss New Jersey and often. Every once in a while I have the urge to feel not so far away from home. There are nights when a lot of hair product and muscles do it for me. The first time I went to Newcom’s in the Oregon District, I thought “this place is no tavern.” The place is high energy, smells like Joop and has a great mix of people and music. When I’m in the mood to fist pump with the best of them, that’s where I head. That was partly a joke. New on the scene is also Pulse. I don’t recommend either if you’re in search of some meaningful conversation but for a good time, sure why not.

GoodWill Hunting. – Some nights it’s ALL about the conversation. I can’t name a better place to have one and relax in a greater setting then the Dublin Pub. The Goodwill Hunting reference was something said last fall while there with a friend…I felt like I was in the movie, for a brief moment. It’s the kind of place you see in every television show that you say, “I wish there was a place like that in our city.” Isn’t Dayton lucky to have one? It’s casual and laughter friendly, a real good time.

Bourbon on the Rocks. – It’s no secret, that my favorite place in Dayton is the SideBar. I don’t remember the last weekend that I wasn’t there enjoying a signature cocktail in one of the most sophisticated lounge/bars in Dayton.  Though, I haven’t had much luck in meeting anyone there..(pause so that my friends can laugh)..it’s still a great place to meet the who’s who in Dayton. So what if you can’t pick up a great catch, pick anything off of the menu and enjoy a good evening out. If nothing else, there are plenty to “just look” at. It’s on my “eye candy” location list.

Catch a Flick. I am strong advocate for going out alone. Trust me when I tell you that many do it and who knows while flying solo you may just meet someone else doing the same. The Neon is a great place to have a drink and watch a flick. It’s a great little theater in the heart of the city and if you have not been there yet, there may be something fundamentally wrong with you. Please check it out.

Comfy Couches. You had to know that I was going to test the theory. Yes, the couches at The Wine Loft are some of the comfiest. Not only that, their wine selection is unmatched. The ambiance is soothing and yes the lights are certainly dim. The staff are class act and so I have to suggest that though it is the perfect setting, keep the making out to minimum. If I’m not mistaken there are few hotels in the surrounding area. Get a room.

Fell in Love at the Coffee Shop. This would be the ultimate scenario for my coffee addiction. To find true love while sipping the one thing I love most? It doesn’t get better than that. I have high hopes still. If you’re coffee shop frequenter Boston Stoker on Brown St. and Press are my favorites. Starbucks in Oakwood is on the list too. Coming soon Ghostlight Coffee. A coffee shop guy is someone I could see myself with. It’s the perfect synergy.

Know Your Worth. – A friend once told me that a girl he was dating was not a “Carriage Ride” type of girl, meaning he didn’t like her enough to spend the money on one. I was sort of appalled but mostly amused. It brought up another interesting topic, does it matter where someone suggests taking you? If someone offers to take you to Coco’s Bistro odds are they think you’re worth it. Let them take you out and enjoy it. Should you question them if they offer to just take you to Panera? Not really, I personally just like Coco’s Bistro and wanted to plug them in this article.

These are some of my favorite places and though I don’t usually start out the night like a maneater out on a mission, it’s better to know exactly what I am getting into before going to a place. I really don’t leave the house with blueprints of the city or a scavenger hunt list, I’ve just identified my favorite places. Someone a while back said that it was difficult to meet people in Dayton and being single was hard in general here. I disagree. If you get out and are open to try new places and meet new people you may just be pleasantly surprised. Don’t limit yourself.

I would love to hear about your favorite first date location in Dayton or where you think is a great place to meet new people.  Always looking for new ideas to better optimize the man hunt. Again, kidding. Maybe.

I am working on a major story, my organization is growing rapidly, my dating life is a smashing hit (sorta), I have great friends, a supportive family and life is generally good. What does this mean? I really have nothing to write about this week and I was struggling for days on what I could share with my fellow Daytonians.  I recently quit Facebook so perhaps one big status update would make a nice column? Who knows but it’s what you’re getting this week.

Introspective lately, I’ve started to weigh in on why life is so good and I attribute it ALL to positive thinking.  You know..not giving up, making the best out of what your given, never backing down and always moving forward.  What I’ve realized during my Facebook Lenten Pause is that hanging out on the real time web all day exposes a person to a great deal of negativity.  Some days still, I find myself wanting to log off just to not have to read it.  However since I absolutely  insist on living a life overly exposed to information, logging off just isn’t an option.  I’ve also realized that people, friends included have suddenly forgot the original purpose of having a phone which is to talk.  It’s as if conversations can’t find their way off the social network wall, have we really become less interested in real human interaction? I no longer think privacy is the only concern with regard to social media. Now, I am more concerned about this shift in our culture that is changing the dynamic of our relationships and  not always for the better.

2 Weeks In

Before I continue, in no way am I blaming a social network for these good things in my life  not happening prior to my pause.  I blame myself for allowing Facebook to become such a distraction from real life, although I am starting to firmly believe that by design, Facebook is meant and purposed with being the ultimate distraction. In any case, in the last couple of weeks I have eliminated that distraction and much to my surprise I’ve progressed both professionally and personally… noticeably.

With all this free time on my hands (not really) I have managed to put a great deal of focus into several projects thereby resulting in completion of many.  I have identified several personal weaknesses (flaws) directly related to my time being consumed by playing around on the internets, having my nose lodged in a news feed, checking comments and “likes” as if I needed them to get by in life.  All great qualities let me tell you.  I had issues and I was starting to develop a complex. Signing off changed things though, dramatically and in a short time. What about Twitter? People keep asking me about this and all I can say is that my Twitter community is supportive and informative,  two things I need in life.  Doesn’t everyone?  Translate that however you want but Twitter not now nor ever distracted me from living a meaningful life.  It’s done the exact opposite truthfully and connected me with real people, doing great things and sharing those things in an openly freely friendly manner. That’s a lot of .ly’s, no pun. Whether the people around me what to admit that or not, I know they see it too. I’ve noticed more people in my circle Tweeting more than Facebooking, as well as a lot of new comers finally jumping into the stream. I’m such a trend setter. That was a joke. Rock on though Klout trouts.

I can’t help but laugh lately when people come to me and say, “Did you see what so and so said on Facebook.” It brings me great pleasure in life to say, “no..I didn’t.”

Back to what I’ve been up to. I’ve really put a great deal of energy into CultureMASH and helping the organizations both myself and my organization have committed to. I’ve also been able to implement some new initiatives at my “real job” that I am really excited about. I’ve had more one on ones in two weeks then I had in the last 4 months preceding the Lenten Pause.  I am getting ready to partake on a real in-depth journalism / documentary series that I am very excited about.  Lastly, I left my cell phone in my purse long enough to notice a few really cool dudes. Holler.

What was my problem?

If I were any more digital I’d be bionic.  The internet is highly addictive. Especially for a person with an obsessive need to learn as much as time allows in a 24 hour period. The information, the people, the communities .. the world .. are  all talking now and I can’t help but listen. I’ve been nosy since conception, Twitter suits that flaw but in a good way.  I am still not entirely sure why Facebook had me so withdrawn but at the end of 40 Days, I hope to figure it out.  I was too connected.  So I had to cut back and Facebook made perfect sense as a starting point. Clearly, I made the right choice.  In a previous column, I addressed our society becoming so obsessed with social network sites and how it was changing our culture…good and bad. Taking a step back has allowed me to see that neglecting my life off the wall and out of the stream was leading me down a lonely path.

Debbie Downer.

No, I am not. No one appreciates the value of online communities and sharing information and stories daily, better than I. I get it and more than most. However, there has to be a balance.  I don’t think too many people will read this and not second guess their overuse and self indulgence level of social networking, at least in my circle. We are all internet junkies but when your life starts to suffer or lack real human interaction because you are so plugged in, maybe a rest would be beneficial. Try it. You may like it. If not, the nurturing and co-dependent webernets will be there with open arms for your return. I promise.

Update Complete.

To all those who have messaged me and asked me to return to the Book, you’re sweet. I’ve not been silenced I just moved entirely to a different location to express myself. There are bets going on whether or not I will return, at this point..I don’t believe so..but who knows. Thanks for reading.

Taking a break from dating debacles and reverting back to some real pressing matters I bring to you a column on leadership.  Inspired by a great many things, this column is a hommage to all things community and what I feel is the true definition of leadership. This article in no way suggests that I believe there to be a distinct crisis in meaning, or translation rather, of the word leadership. I swear.

The first thing that comes to mind is that to lead one must eliminate the desire for recognition and move forward leaving their egos behind and narrowing in on building community, whether organizational or neighborhood.   Leadership is visionary and while coincidentally that may result in becoming an iconic public figure, these two characteristics are not so reliant upon one another.  Case and point?  A leader doesn’t require a great deal of exposure to lead. Those who embrace this ideology,  in my opinion are the individuals who truly lead with passion, both selflessly and successfully.

What the Hell is she Babbling About?

Being the Founder of an organization whose mission is to support and help build community through true advocacy and volunteerism, I have had the pleasure of meeting and working with some remarkable people.  Daily, I am astounded by the initiatives and work of those who are leading this region into a vast and flourishing future.  So much so, that I no longer question Dayton’s bright horizon.  While recognition is warranted seldom do I hear their names mentioned.  Humble and focused on the bigger picture, these people don’t feel it necessary to be rewarded by public attention, however I believe the city and its people would be inspired by hearing more about their stories.

The Leaders (My Inspiration)

Scott Sliver – The Hope Foundation of Greater Dayton

Rosemary Dannin – The Foodbank Dayton

Shondale Atkinson – The Mustard Seed Foundation Home

There was a reason I chose these three people to speak at the launch of my organization last winter. It may sound entirely strange, but I don’t think that I really understood what it meant to build community and cultivate all the good there is in a region to form an alliance and do great things, until I met these three individuals. Their stories and deep personal connection to their organizations’ missions is something out of the ordinary to me.  Their passion and focus on the big picture “Dayton”, is something to be commended.

It is because of these three people I know that each day, I think about what I can do to make a difference in someone else’s life. Why I challenge myself to be great and to lead with vision not personal gain.  Most of my adolescent life I struggled with wanting to be part of the in crowd, with wanting my name known and in the last few years of my life I have let go of such superficial ideals and focused on what I was put here to do and that is … change lives. Surrounding myself with people like Scott, Shondale and Rosemary is what keeps me grounded.  By definition, these three people are leaders and both selflessly and successfully. They are the “We”, the “Us”, and the “Our” in this region who every day of their lives put the well being of others and their city before their own. That is leadership and that is what will ultimately shift and shape “a new” in our region. They are GEMS of Dayton and there are many more.

The spotlight is a great place to be but can distract and poison at times, a leader’s vision. If you’re struggling because you feel unrecognized think more about the lives you have  already touched rather than getting attention from those you for whatever reason have not yet.  Remember that there is no finish line in leadership, certainly not an award or medal.

The other day I asked my Twitter community to define leadership and the recurring theme was putting your ego aside. So I leave you with a quote of encouragement to back that theme.

“Recognition may stroke the ego, but touching lives will stroke the soul” – Shana Douglas

If you’ve been given an opportunity to lead…there is a reason. Never doubt yourself.