Ambition and Disappointment

The summer was full of both but I did learn a few very valuable lessons. Evenings  in dresses thinking tonight’s gonna be the night and those little  Laws of Attraction (while very true) that send us into an irrational frenzy. We always want what we can’t have and I’ve been trying for years to understand this phenomenon.  Deep down inside I know exactly what I want in a relationship, what I want from a first date to the third and fourth, yet every once and a while I find what is seemingly a dud and consider them to be more. It’s a real problem. A lot of my nights start with high hopes and while most end well, others are a huge disappointment. For the life of me I can never understand why I’ve spent so much time pining and crushing over some, when ultimately I’m left scratching my head wondering, “what I was thinking?”

The Summer Crush of 2011

Since the summer, my friends have comically and aggressively banned me from the Oregon District because of my love interest in beards, bartenders and musicians. Was it their liqueur mixing, social, music or communication skills that did it?  I don’t really know but for a while there I found myself eyeing a few very unlikely suspects,  and I (like my friends) became worried. I think my “want” to meet someone had somehow clouded my judgment about what’s really good for me… what I deserve. There was one guy that for months, (I may have even mentioned in a column or two), I pined over ridiculously. When I finally got the opportunity, I was a little sick to my stomach afterwords frankly. That’s no exaggeration. Which brings me to my point.

Do Desperate Times Really Have to Call for Desperate Measures?

No. Why do we feel desperate when we’re single for a long time? I know that I personally started to think it would never happen for me, that I was being too picky and so the first guy to take notice to me in a long time was all of a sudden all I could think about. I had somehow forgotten the months of him ignoring me prior too.  Nothing anyone said to me, (all obvious and valid points) made any difference to me. The guy was a total flake, lacked personality and had low self- esteem but I thought he was dreamy based on a few conversations where we connected on a few topics.  At best, he was friend material but certainly not a candidate for between the sheets or long-term commitment.  I had more intense kisses in the 8^th grade and better conversations with strangers in a checkout line.  For months I pined over nothing because I narrowed in on one opportunity instead of opening my eyes to a world of opportunity around me.

Never Settle. 

We all get lonely from time to time. Long-term singles like myself who want to really find someone go through a pattern of settling I think. You think, “sure why not” a lot more than usual. You look past things that ordinarily would annoy you. You end up going home with your “ultimate” crush thinking it’s gonna be a hot night finally when really you’d rather be home playing scrabble after 5 minutes alone with him. It happens. I’ve starting writing down what I really want in a relationship, in a “mate” and what exactly I don’t want. It’s a good reminder in times like this. If you’re looking for a good time and not a long time, sure try on a few duds for size but never forget what it is you really want, want will make you happy.  That experience really taught me a lot about myself (some good and some bad) but I did snap out of it and quickly.  It’s all a learning experience though and how, I believe, we get closer to finding exactly what it is we really want. You can’t put a time limit on it though and you can’t settle before you get there. That person we’re meant to be with is out there and when the time is right it will happen, and you won’t be playing scrabble. Until then, live a little. Be adventurous, not like wearing white after Labor Day but taking chances and have fun.

He could still have a beard, be bartender or a musician or anything for that matter. I wanted to add that point to avoid any unnecessary assumptions. It’s not what a person does or has that I’m looking for, it’s really all about who they are and whether or not we fit. A lot has changed since then. Most importantly, me.

I’d be lying if I said it stopped there. The summer was a riot. More next week.

There is something worse than losing everything, the feeling that you’ll never have it again. What is everything though?  It’s been a short while since last I wrote and while I know I’m getting closer to realizing who I truly am, I’m still just trying to figure things out. The world around us is changing and as such, I think women are evolving. Our goals have changed and who we are is more defined by our own perception of ourselves and not what those around us may think. Our circumstances affect us less and our strength at times seems limitless. At least for myself, this is the case.

Growing up I remember fantasizing about things I’m sure most young women do. I envisioned my life being “normal”, that I would get married and have a family and that I would do it all within a reasonable time frame. Never once really questioning what normal was and when a reasonable time frame was. I can recall a conversation with friends about a decade ago when I said, “I will never be that girl, 30 something and single, going on one disastrous date after the other.” No I would never be that girl. Well, here I am. That girl.

The irony of it all is that now, a decade later and after almost 3 years of being single I’ve found that being that girl has been a remarkable learning experience as well as fun. One of which I wouldn’t trade for that normal life in it’s normal time frame.  I’m comfortable with who I am even if it changes from day to day, which it does.  At times I do find it increasingly difficult to reconcile the past with my future, but each day I feel myself getting closer to the person I know I am meant to be, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the people the around me.

My life has been an adventure, happenings that are both audacious and poignant. Some of which at times have left me questioning everything, but never myself – and that is progress.  Toxic bachelors and nice guys I don’t want have all crossed my path. Horizontal nights and being okay with a good time (not a long time) have all helped me to reach what I believe is just the surface of this new self awareness.  There is no true story about sex, love and relationships and it means something different to everyone. There is no “normal.” What fits for you may not be normal and you have to be okay with that.

There was a time when all I wanted was to fit in, to be part of this “normal” that everyone was experiencing. I find myself less inspired by the draw of some imaginary elite social scene or the picture perfect life and more inspired by myself. When you start to be okay with who you are, you start to see that not everything is as it seems and those happy people around you are also sometimes struggling inside… struggling to be normal.  I’ve realized the first step to uncovering all of my dreams is listening. Not to the noise around me judging and trying to sway me in a certain direction, but to myself .. to my own desires..to my own passions. This direction is where I’ve found happiness. 

I’m okay with those indelible moments of my past because I realize we really have to go through life changing events to change for the better.  Fulfillment has many shades and what we learn on our way to it is that sometimes it’s not what you used to fantasize about. In fact, it may be something entirely different.

In hindsight, loss, pain and sadness are where the journey began. Something happens in despair. There’s a point where you look within and realize what happens next is entirely up to you. Love is truly something that is found in time … but the first place to find it is in your own heart. That is where your journey should lead you. Loving and accepting yourself.

At times it seems like I am the only female who feels the way I do about all of the above. I see women daily who wrap themselves up in a relationship so much so they’ve forgotten who they are and all those around them, it’s disturbing to watch. Would love to know that there are more singles out there who see things as I do. While I love to entertain my friends with my wild stories and make them blush with my outrageous antics, sometimes I wish I wasn’t so different.

I’m not the conventional woman. I will never be a Stepford Wife.  I will never live a cookie cutter life. I’m independent, strong and uncontrollably wild at times. I’m not looking to be swept off of my feet but odds are my sparkling wit and insatiable appetite for fun in life will sweep you off of yours. My life is far from normal and my future is open ended. I may not be the right kind, but I believe I am the good kind and eventually when the time is right someone will find me.

About those adventures from this past year, I plan on sharing them without a filter. Stay tuned.

I have this friend (I really do) who’s always singing a song about being a “challenge” and how mystery is the key to seduction. I haven’t written in a while, did you expect I’d come back talking about anything else but my constant curiosity about what works and what does not in dating and relationships? Clearly, my confusion has ceased to dissipate but I’m more comfortable about where I am headed these days.

I have a schedule that allows me little time for fun even less time for dating. There is a level of participation to assure someone that you’re interested and I sometimes find myself unable to cater to that need.  Sometimes though,  I’ll meet a person that makes it easier or find that maybe they’re worth shifting my schedule around for because I really dig them.  I like when this happens because it reminds that though entirely jaded there’s part of me that truly wants to settle down one day, and do that whole monogamy thing again. Maybe. The more I date, the more I see myself becoming comfortable with bending the rules a bit and embracing change from my behavioral norms like making time. According to above friend though, showing too much interest may be the wrong approach. There’s nothing more confusing than the male mind but in the spirit of trying new things I took her advice.

Tactical Dating?

Eagerness may potentially frighten because women and men think and feel at an entirely different pace, have different triggers and convey emotions in two completely different ways. Too much, too soon has never worked for me though I watch these movies like “He’s Just Not that Into You” and read books where the last page is always a happy ending despite the female’s irrational behavior throughout. The reality is that nothing about dating is so black and white.  I’ve noticed when I playfully adapted “mystery” that I wasn’t alone in my eagerness. The level of interest is noticeably different when you’re a bit of a challenge to reach and I personally felt like the playing field was leveled. So you see, sometimes change is good but is it really an approach per say? I think it’s more of a tactic than anything.

There’s nothing wrong with testing new tactics from time to time. If the end result of anything does not equate to your own personal happiness then yes, something has to change. Which is why I decided to listen to a friend’s advice for once.  I look at a lot of relationships and it’s more than clear that some people are just afraid to be alone, maybe even me.  Which is why often we settle. I think saying, “I’m just trying to make it work” in the early stages of any relationship is never a good sign. In the beginning, it should be easy and fun. You should be just trying to keep your hands off of one another and trying to not be too distracted by thinking about each other so often. You make it work when you’re years in, maybe even married and maybe even have children. That is when the dynamic of the relationship changes and when things truly become harder, when it’s not just about you. I’ve been down the “making it work” path in dating. A path that is paved with unconscionable compromises and uncontrollable loss of one’s self.  A path I am not interested in traveling down again. Change your tactics without changing who you truly are. That is the trick.

Letting go of Labels.

I think realizing the level of control we actually have in terms of how things end up is largely how we eventually find exactly what we want.  For a bulk of my life, I’ve looked at the relationships around me and the relationships I’ve been in as being the only examples of  true happiness. We’re living in a different age, singles don’t need separate sections at restaurants like smokers and we’re not that uncommon. There’s no written rule about settling down by a certain age either, though at times our families, friends. our faith and even this society push “happiness” labels on us.  Happiness comes in all forms and though the dogs may bark, I’m finding less of a desire to satisfy the masses and more of a desire to satisfy myself however I want to and without any regret. After all, it’s my own happiness that matters most.

I used eagerness merely as an example of how we tend to pick ourselves apart and think, “what did I do wrong” when a relationship ends or someone we’re dating loses interest. Some things just aren’t meant to be and it’s really that simple. We are made up of layers, created over time by our experiences in life. Our pain, our joys our love and our loss of love all play a part in who we eventually become as a person. Yes, there is a great deal of games in dating. Is it mystery or being a challenge that does it? Is it eagerness and making time? No. I believe it’s just being you. The right person will come along and like you exactly the way you are.  New tactics and thinking differently is important for self awareness and growth, but never forget or change who you are for anyone. That I am certain, is the wrong approach. If asked by anyone what does it, my answer is now confidence.

Be you, whether it’s extraordinary one day and irrational another, just be you and make no apology.

You read right.  Though in abundance and for some reason attracted to me, I find myself a little less than enthused about the options of late. Is it the time we live in that have changed men and is what I want even in existence anymore?

Where do I begin this week?

The Metrosexual.

Could I date a diva? In the last year, I’ve met a few guys that are well kept..love shopping…the arts…and enjoy discussing fine cuisine and wine tasting with me. I’ve thought how great to find someone who enjoys the same things as me, how easier could it get?  Then it dawned on me that I have enough gal pals. Coming from the east coast, I’ve been exposed to a breed of man with nicely kept eyebrows and jeans that cost more than most things in my wardrobe.  I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that they exist but I don’t want one on my arm. In previous articles I’d mentioned my tendency to type cast and focus too much on what the ideal guy for me would be, but I think just wanting a “manly” type man isn’t  too much to ask for is it? I’m not quite sure why I attract this breed … but I’m not entirely sure why I attract a lot of what I do.  I couldn’t date a diva this much I know. If someone spends more time in the bathroom getting ready than I, well it’s doomed to fail and I envision cat fights and hurt feelings.  Like I said I have enough gal pals so I am not sure this would really be my thing. Also, if you’re confused about you sexuality and not just a well groomed metrosexual I am not the gal to help you figure that out. Point blank. There’s a fine line between asking  to borrow a pair of heels and asking to put them over your shoulders. (Sorry, Mom if  you’re reading this)..frankly, I think I am still in search of that lumberjack with a beard.

Hipster Dating.

“I date cops and you date hipsters with diagonal parts” a friend uttered to me recently as being the reason why I have no success in dating.  I have a tendency to really be drawn to those I share common interests with, but does that make me a hipster? I’m loud and out there a true extrovert yet I at times attract these awkward socially inept quiet types. Granted they have great taste in music which makes me think, so what if he’s an introvert it could work. I am learning the hard way that no it really can’t. I can’t date a guy who looks better in skinny jeans than I and I’m too much of a social butterfly to really be hanging out at home. So my friend is probably right in her own way. Though I am totally against type casting in dating I still tend to do it. I’m convinced that sometimes common interests don’t really equate to a soul mate, moreso just another few hipster boy besties. Which I can deal with. In fact, it seems in two years of dating I have acquired a great deal of awesome guy friends. No loss there. Some of the best beards I’ve seen though, I will give them that.

Missionary Dating.

The last and final interesting to happen last week was the end of something before it even began because of my spirituality. This was a first for me. I’m pretty public with my bible hugging ways and though some may be offended or turned off by that, it’s not something I’d ever keep silent or pretend not to be.  I’ve never really thought about religion being a serious factor to consider when dating until recently.  I think at this stage of my life I’d have to really be connected with someone on all levels. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I don’t feel it’s out of the ordinary either, to think this way. I had been talking to someone who I saw potential with, character wise. There were a few things however that left me uncomfortable about the situation. Primarily the distance between us and the length of travel it would entail to see one another. Have I mentioned I am not a fan of long distance relationships? I think so.  Since I am a big advocate of being open and honest, I decided to take my own advice this time and be truthful about why I didn’t think it would work.  After mentioning several factors, the last thing that I mentioned in my little “its not you its me” speech was that I really felt it necessary that spiritually I connect with someone because in the future, if there were a future it would matter. If I were on the other end of this conversation I’d have a great deal of respect for such honesty. It didn’t go as I had planned which made me feel confident about my decision to not move forward and pursue dating. While one thing was said to me privately about my reservations being understood, good old Facebook told a different story when this person posted a Facebook status basically attacking my faith and accusing me of being judgmental. Now I’m Judge Judy, whatever.

It’s all good.

In the midst of all this however, I did realize one thing. Being single is really a joyous adventure in self awareness. Everyday I learn something new about myself that just makes me feel better about the future. You have to really get out there and meet all kinds when you’re dating to really understand what it is you want. So what if I still have no damn clue, eventually something will stick. I see a lot of people who are so focused on finding someone that they start to lose themselves in the search. It isn’t healthy and finding someone should be more of a benefit to life rather than a need.

So, I say focus on what’s good and what’s happening right now rather than worry about whether or not you’ll ever meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. For me, there’s been some great “Mr. In the Moments” that have made it interesting and entertaining enough to hold me over. I know I’m closer then ever.