DMM Columns

In a recent conversation with a friend while preparing for an upcoming date, a topic surfaced that at the time was quite hilarious but later given some serious thought. The question that also comes up prior to a big date or going out in general is, “Where are you going for your date?” or “What are you in the mood for” yet never did it cross my mind that in dating sometimes location is everything.  This is going to be one of those columns that either makes you laugh or ticks you off, either way I hope you’ll read it through.

Mostly focused on what I was going to wear, while searching the internet for ideas my friend says to me very seriously, “You should go to The Wine Loft in case you end up making out, the couches there are pretty comfy and it’s dim lit.” I sat in silence for all of two minutes before I agreed. It was a valid point. I’m always joking about the need for a strategic plan in my dating life and maybe there is some truth in that. Either way, it made an interesting idea for a post.

DAYting.

What if we predetermined our weekend and nightly activities based on what we are in the mood for  that day or in general where the type of person we’d like to be with may frequent? Interesting thought isn’t it? With the help of friends I’ve put together a list of places in Dayton that may assist with finding that “one” person, or not.  This post is meant to be taken with a grain of salt. Consider it a clever attempt by a girl who has been failed by fate, happily ever after and of course..online dating. I’m a bit of a pro with location marketing so now I am taking a stab at location dating. If you’ve reverted back to circumstantial dating like myself, it may help to get more strategic in your efforts. Or not, whatever.

Your Mood, Your Want, Your Location.

I Like Your Beard. – If you’re like me, you appreciate a good beard. I may be wrong but in general I think that Dayton is the beard Capital of the World and if that is not official it should be.  Where does one go to find a guy sporting a nice beard in Dayton? Well, Blind Bob’s of course. Not only is the music great, selection of beer awesome and service superb but the place is swarming with BEARDS. Hipsters aside, it’s still one of my favorite go to’s in Dayton.

TShirt Time. – I miss New Jersey and often. Every once in a while I have the urge to feel not so far away from home. There are nights when a lot of hair product and muscles do it for me. The first time I went to Newcom’s in the Oregon District, I thought “this place is no tavern.” The place is high energy, smells like Joop and has a great mix of people and music. When I’m in the mood to fist pump with the best of them, that’s where I head. That was partly a joke. New on the scene is also Pulse. I don’t recommend either if you’re in search of some meaningful conversation but for a good time, sure why not.

GoodWill Hunting. – Some nights it’s ALL about the conversation. I can’t name a better place to have one and relax in a greater setting then the Dublin Pub. The Goodwill Hunting reference was something said last fall while there with a friend…I felt like I was in the movie, for a brief moment. It’s the kind of place you see in every television show that you say, “I wish there was a place like that in our city.” Isn’t Dayton lucky to have one? It’s casual and laughter friendly, a real good time.

Bourbon on the Rocks. – It’s no secret, that my favorite place in Dayton is the SideBar. I don’t remember the last weekend that I wasn’t there enjoying a signature cocktail in one of the most sophisticated lounge/bars in Dayton.  Though, I haven’t had much luck in meeting anyone there..(pause so that my friends can laugh)..it’s still a great place to meet the who’s who in Dayton. So what if you can’t pick up a great catch, pick anything off of the menu and enjoy a good evening out. If nothing else, there are plenty to “just look” at. It’s on my “eye candy” location list.

Catch a Flick. I am strong advocate for going out alone. Trust me when I tell you that many do it and who knows while flying solo you may just meet someone else doing the same. The Neon is a great place to have a drink and watch a flick. It’s a great little theater in the heart of the city and if you have not been there yet, there may be something fundamentally wrong with you. Please check it out.

Comfy Couches. You had to know that I was going to test the theory. Yes, the couches at The Wine Loft are some of the comfiest. Not only that, their wine selection is unmatched. The ambiance is soothing and yes the lights are certainly dim. The staff are class act and so I have to suggest that though it is the perfect setting, keep the making out to minimum. If I’m not mistaken there are few hotels in the surrounding area. Get a room.

Fell in Love at the Coffee Shop. This would be the ultimate scenario for my coffee addiction. To find true love while sipping the one thing I love most? It doesn’t get better than that. I have high hopes still. If you’re coffee shop frequenter Boston Stoker on Brown St. and Press are my favorites. Starbucks in Oakwood is on the list too. Coming soon Ghostlight Coffee. A coffee shop guy is someone I could see myself with. It’s the perfect synergy.

Know Your Worth. – A friend once told me that a girl he was dating was not a “Carriage Ride” type of girl, meaning he didn’t like her enough to spend the money on one. I was sort of appalled but mostly amused. It brought up another interesting topic, does it matter where someone suggests taking you? If someone offers to take you to Coco’s Bistro odds are they think you’re worth it. Let them take you out and enjoy it. Should you question them if they offer to just take you to Panera? Not really, I personally just like Coco’s Bistro and wanted to plug them in this article.

These are some of my favorite places and though I don’t usually start out the night like a maneater out on a mission, it’s better to know exactly what I am getting into before going to a place. I really don’t leave the house with blueprints of the city or a scavenger hunt list, I’ve just identified my favorite places. Someone a while back said that it was difficult to meet people in Dayton and being single was hard in general here. I disagree. If you get out and are open to try new places and meet new people you may just be pleasantly surprised. Don’t limit yourself.

I would love to hear about your favorite first date location in Dayton or where you think is a great place to meet new people.  Always looking for new ideas to better optimize the man hunt. Again, kidding. Maybe.

I am working on a major story, my organization is growing rapidly, my dating life is a smashing hit (sorta), I have great friends, a supportive family and life is generally good. What does this mean? I really have nothing to write about this week and I was struggling for days on what I could share with my fellow Daytonians.  I recently quit Facebook so perhaps one big status update would make a nice column? Who knows but it’s what you’re getting this week.

Introspective lately, I’ve started to weigh in on why life is so good and I attribute it ALL to positive thinking.  You know..not giving up, making the best out of what your given, never backing down and always moving forward.  What I’ve realized during my Facebook Lenten Pause is that hanging out on the real time web all day exposes a person to a great deal of negativity.  Some days still, I find myself wanting to log off just to not have to read it.  However since I absolutely  insist on living a life overly exposed to information, logging off just isn’t an option.  I’ve also realized that people, friends included have suddenly forgot the original purpose of having a phone which is to talk.  It’s as if conversations can’t find their way off the social network wall, have we really become less interested in real human interaction? I no longer think privacy is the only concern with regard to social media. Now, I am more concerned about this shift in our culture that is changing the dynamic of our relationships and  not always for the better.

2 Weeks In

Before I continue, in no way am I blaming a social network for these good things in my life  not happening prior to my pause.  I blame myself for allowing Facebook to become such a distraction from real life, although I am starting to firmly believe that by design, Facebook is meant and purposed with being the ultimate distraction. In any case, in the last couple of weeks I have eliminated that distraction and much to my surprise I’ve progressed both professionally and personally… noticeably.

With all this free time on my hands (not really) I have managed to put a great deal of focus into several projects thereby resulting in completion of many.  I have identified several personal weaknesses (flaws) directly related to my time being consumed by playing around on the internets, having my nose lodged in a news feed, checking comments and “likes” as if I needed them to get by in life.  All great qualities let me tell you.  I had issues and I was starting to develop a complex. Signing off changed things though, dramatically and in a short time. What about Twitter? People keep asking me about this and all I can say is that my Twitter community is supportive and informative,  two things I need in life.  Doesn’t everyone?  Translate that however you want but Twitter not now nor ever distracted me from living a meaningful life.  It’s done the exact opposite truthfully and connected me with real people, doing great things and sharing those things in an openly freely friendly manner. That’s a lot of .ly’s, no pun. Whether the people around me what to admit that or not, I know they see it too. I’ve noticed more people in my circle Tweeting more than Facebooking, as well as a lot of new comers finally jumping into the stream. I’m such a trend setter. That was a joke. Rock on though Klout trouts.

I can’t help but laugh lately when people come to me and say, “Did you see what so and so said on Facebook.” It brings me great pleasure in life to say, “no..I didn’t.”

Back to what I’ve been up to. I’ve really put a great deal of energy into CultureMASH and helping the organizations both myself and my organization have committed to. I’ve also been able to implement some new initiatives at my “real job” that I am really excited about. I’ve had more one on ones in two weeks then I had in the last 4 months preceding the Lenten Pause.  I am getting ready to partake on a real in-depth journalism / documentary series that I am very excited about.  Lastly, I left my cell phone in my purse long enough to notice a few really cool dudes. Holler.

What was my problem?

If I were any more digital I’d be bionic.  The internet is highly addictive. Especially for a person with an obsessive need to learn as much as time allows in a 24 hour period. The information, the people, the communities .. the world .. are  all talking now and I can’t help but listen. I’ve been nosy since conception, Twitter suits that flaw but in a good way.  I am still not entirely sure why Facebook had me so withdrawn but at the end of 40 Days, I hope to figure it out.  I was too connected.  So I had to cut back and Facebook made perfect sense as a starting point. Clearly, I made the right choice.  In a previous column, I addressed our society becoming so obsessed with social network sites and how it was changing our culture…good and bad. Taking a step back has allowed me to see that neglecting my life off the wall and out of the stream was leading me down a lonely path.

Debbie Downer.

No, I am not. No one appreciates the value of online communities and sharing information and stories daily, better than I. I get it and more than most. However, there has to be a balance.  I don’t think too many people will read this and not second guess their overuse and self indulgence level of social networking, at least in my circle. We are all internet junkies but when your life starts to suffer or lack real human interaction because you are so plugged in, maybe a rest would be beneficial. Try it. You may like it. If not, the nurturing and co-dependent webernets will be there with open arms for your return. I promise.

Update Complete.

To all those who have messaged me and asked me to return to the Book, you’re sweet. I’ve not been silenced I just moved entirely to a different location to express myself. There are bets going on whether or not I will return, at this point..I don’t believe so..but who knows. Thanks for reading.

Taking a break from dating debacles and reverting back to some real pressing matters I bring to you a column on leadership.  Inspired by a great many things, this column is a hommage to all things community and what I feel is the true definition of leadership. This article in no way suggests that I believe there to be a distinct crisis in meaning, or translation rather, of the word leadership. I swear.

The first thing that comes to mind is that to lead one must eliminate the desire for recognition and move forward leaving their egos behind and narrowing in on building community, whether organizational or neighborhood.   Leadership is visionary and while coincidentally that may result in becoming an iconic public figure, these two characteristics are not so reliant upon one another.  Case and point?  A leader doesn’t require a great deal of exposure to lead. Those who embrace this ideology,  in my opinion are the individuals who truly lead with passion, both selflessly and successfully.

What the Hell is she Babbling About?

Being the Founder of an organization whose mission is to support and help build community through true advocacy and volunteerism, I have had the pleasure of meeting and working with some remarkable people.  Daily, I am astounded by the initiatives and work of those who are leading this region into a vast and flourishing future.  So much so, that I no longer question Dayton’s bright horizon.  While recognition is warranted seldom do I hear their names mentioned.  Humble and focused on the bigger picture, these people don’t feel it necessary to be rewarded by public attention, however I believe the city and its people would be inspired by hearing more about their stories.

The Leaders (My Inspiration)

Scott Sliver – The Hope Foundation of Greater Dayton

Rosemary Dannin – The Foodbank Dayton

Shondale Atkinson – The Mustard Seed Foundation Home

There was a reason I chose these three people to speak at the launch of my organization last winter. It may sound entirely strange, but I don’t think that I really understood what it meant to build community and cultivate all the good there is in a region to form an alliance and do great things, until I met these three individuals. Their stories and deep personal connection to their organizations’ missions is something out of the ordinary to me.  Their passion and focus on the big picture “Dayton”, is something to be commended.

It is because of these three people I know that each day, I think about what I can do to make a difference in someone else’s life. Why I challenge myself to be great and to lead with vision not personal gain.  Most of my adolescent life I struggled with wanting to be part of the in crowd, with wanting my name known and in the last few years of my life I have let go of such superficial ideals and focused on what I was put here to do and that is … change lives. Surrounding myself with people like Scott, Shondale and Rosemary is what keeps me grounded.  By definition, these three people are leaders and both selflessly and successfully. They are the “We”, the “Us”, and the “Our” in this region who every day of their lives put the well being of others and their city before their own. That is leadership and that is what will ultimately shift and shape “a new” in our region. They are GEMS of Dayton and there are many more.

The spotlight is a great place to be but can distract and poison at times, a leader’s vision. If you’re struggling because you feel unrecognized think more about the lives you have  already touched rather than getting attention from those you for whatever reason have not yet.  Remember that there is no finish line in leadership, certainly not an award or medal.

The other day I asked my Twitter community to define leadership and the recurring theme was putting your ego aside. So I leave you with a quote of encouragement to back that theme.

“Recognition may stroke the ego, but touching lives will stroke the soul” – Shana Douglas

If you’ve been given an opportunity to lead…there is a reason. Never doubt yourself.

Last night I announced that I would be giving up all text communication for 40 Days, a sacrifice unheard of in this day and technical age. I wasn’t surprised by all the comments of utter shock that I would choose to do so. Over lunch today, I started to rethink text communication and how texting just doesn’t cover this instantaneous messaging madness and actually provokes more digital communication by way of email and direct messages. So, instead of just texting…I’ve decided to give up Facebook for 40 Days. Go ahead and say, “She’s nuts.” No, I am really not.

For months I’ve been struggled with being condemned for being happy about all of the exciting things happening in my life. Can you imagine being told by your supposed friends that “your success is hard to watch.” The fact is, I am always happy, even when I was working retail at Macy’s at 16, because I find the joys in every aspect of my life big or small and when something major happens it’s becomes an emotional overload, my bad. Being in the spotlight isn’t easy and had I decided to argue about my happiness, I might have said for all the work that I do I kind of deserve it. I don’t however because in the great scheme of things what people think really doesn’t matter. Frankly, the sadness and lack of gratitude and appreciation for life in general is what’s hard to watch on Facebook and I find joy in seeing people who are happy. If you don’t, you should probably re-evaluation your life.

Am I quitting Facebook because of haters? Nope.  I am taking a sabbatical in an effort to stimulate real conversation verse real time web conversations and building more solid relationships with my network, family and friends. I plan on having more one on ones and really getting to know the people that matter so that I can continue to use my God given talents to help them; without broadcasting it on Facebook all day.  Given my profession, this will be difficult for me to do.   However, I think focusing all of my energy on my job, my projects, writing and growing my organization will present more direct and positive results in my life.

Whether you’re religious or not the purpose of Lent is to acknowledge the ultimate sacrifice and realize that in our lives, there are things that are more of a convenience than a need. I am also reminded that persecution will never cease, motives will always be questioned but if you are determined to do good then nothing anyone says or does will change that. As transparent as you think you are those around you will always question you.

The best way to live a meaningful life and make a difference, is to do so with little fuss.  The difference I make can be seen in the lives of those whom I touch, not a news feed on Facebook.

40 Days from now…I will be a better person.

No you’re Not the Good Kind

June 6^th, 2009 driving home from work stuck on Rt. 35 in miserable traffic, The Good Kind by the Wreckers was playing and I was a wreck myself. I still, to this day tell friends who know what happened, that my ride home that day was some sort of an omen. I probably knew for a very a long time but just didn’t want to come to terms with what was really happening.

Ohio Was For Lovers

I’m sure I hinted at this in my grand entrance article back in January and despite what I’d love to tell people, it was not my career that brought me here to the great state of Ohio.  There was a time when I was less jaded and a hopeless romantic that believed in fairy tale endings.  Part of me now, still does but I would be lying if I said my outlook on love, relationships and the true meaning of happiness hasn’t changed a slight bit.

Not sure entirely how it happened, but a few years back I found myself wrapped up in a long distance relationship, literally from New Jersey to Ohio with love. It was one of those random things that you never expect in life but are so great while you’re in them.  I remember everyone around me telling me it was like a movie, and while most of the time it was, towards the end it was more of a Lifetime movie rather than a Nicholas Sparks film. I reference Big Nick a lot in my writing and it’s purely because as unrealistic as his stories are, many of us still cling to his version of happily ever after, as if it were the only definition of true happiness. Though the ending is still undetermined, my movie has been very different.

After about a year of traveling back and forth, the happiness I felt when being in Ohio was unmatched by anything else I’d felt in any other place and so I decided, “we decided” that we’d take a leap of faith. In a very short time, I packed up my life and left the Garden State behind. I remember thinking, I’d never felt such a sense of hope and belief that true happiness was right across state lines. Was it about the relationship or was it more? In retrospect, I believe that the relationship was merely a gateway to so much more that was in store for me, yet I, like many, had to stumble through tragedy to find my way.

Reality Kicked In

Every relationship has its honeymoon phase and over time things change, not always for the bad, but things become how shall I say, less intense. I wouldn’t say that the love faded but feelings certainly changed.  Moving away from everything one knows does something to a person. It leaves you feeling like you could do anything in the world if you really put your heart and soul into it. For a long time, I felt like I was playing a role rather than living to my full potential.  I was working from home and seriously lacking in social fulfillment. My life became all about the relationship and nothing about me, or my dreams, what I wanted out of life and in some respects I started to sabotage my own happiness .  Whether by an act of God or some force of nature, in the Spring of 2009 I was laid off. It didn’t take long to secure a new job, but it meant having to leave the home and back to a 9 to 5 gig.  I adjusted to the role change fine, however, the relationship did not.

I believe for the most part, despite my not being entirely happy that I did everything in my power to make it work but after a while you start to think, a relationship shouldn’t require that much work. Still, in my heart this person was the first and only person I could imagine spending my life with. So, I compromised a great deal of myself to make it work but I think after a while my subconscious gave in and I just stopped trying…I still struggle at times trying to understand where we went wrong but some things are just not meant to be and when you accept that, it becomes easier to understand.

About a week prior to the end, we had a conversation about the future and what we both wanted. That talk to me, was a new hope and even though there were things we still needed to work out, with nothing but sincerity or so I thought, he assured me that he wanted us to be together forever.  Then the lights went out.

The End

For no reason that day in my car driving home, I cried hysterically thinking that any day it was going to end.  All I could think of us was that I had picked up my life and left everything for nothing, that if it were to end it would kill me inside.  I happened to check my phone sitting at a light, Facebook of course and noticed that on my wall was silly gift ring from him with a message saying, “You said I’d never give you a ring, love you can’t wait for you to get home” a message that is still lingering out there in cyberspace waiting to be caught by some “memory algorithm” I’m sure.  Well, some things on Facebook are not so official and it was probably him just trying to make me feel better, as he often did.  Strung out and tired as usual, my mood was far from pleasant when I got home despite the gesture.  Instead of  leaving my day behind me when I walked into my home I picked a fight about something so trivial, something that I should have just let go but I didn’t. That was about an hour before he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore, that the relationship wasn’t working for him. I believe in my heart that it was that argument which was the last straw for him and it wasn’t that I didn’t love him, I just couldn’t find that balance to separate my work life and home life.  Pressure to be perfect in all aspects of my life weighed heavily in my mind, despite his endless effort to assure me I was perfect in his eyes. I know that it probably killed him to do that to me and though it was painful, he did what he had to do for his own happiness and I don’t blame him.

In the months to follow, he later told me that he had developed strong feelings for someone else and several months later they were together, despite some things that kept them apart early on. Today he his engaged to that person and they are to be married this summer. He describes her as the “one” and in some twisted way, they inspire me and give me hope that maybe second chances do exist.

What Happened Next

I listened to a whole lot of Rascal Flatts and drank a ton of wine. No sense in sugar coating it because I was an absolute mess.  There were other things that just pushed the knife deeper and deeper and all I could think was when is it going to end. Though my struggles continued, I shortly began to see one blessing after another bestowed upon me. He wasn’t a bad guy, we just weren’t meant to be and I started to realize that had I cared that much about the relationship,  I probably would have tried harder myself.  After a while, I started to see the reasoning behind all that had happened, you know that silver lining people are always ranting about. From where I stand now, all of my sadness might have been worth it. It’s shaped me in some respects and ignited what some probably think of as an obnoxious spirit within me I never knew existed, a spirit that now will not let me settle for anything less than extraordinary for my life.  All of it lead me here and not just to Dayton, but to my life, a life lived as it was intended to be lived. It may shock many to hear, but him and I still remain good friends even now after all that has happened, and that says a lot. He’s genuinely happy in his life and so I am. Many in my life are baffled by that, but such is life.

Why am I Sharing This?

Because frankly, shit happens and there’s no better way to put it. We all go through things in life that bring us down but we all have the power to pull through and make the best of any situation, if we allow ourselves too.  I could have easily packed my stuff up and went crying home to New Jersey but I didn’t, I stayed.  Almost two years later, I am more successful then I’d ever imagined I’d be and it’s not about my career it’s about how I view myself and feel about where I am headed in life. Happiness can be defined in so many ways and yeah,  I once clung to the idea of a fairy tale romance being it for me. It still may be, but for now I move forward each day making the most out of what I’m given.  Moral of the story is, never give up because you just never know what can happen if you just believe it will be ok.  I used to say that I’d never be that girl in her 30s still single, yet here I am…, successful, extremely happy and yeah I’m single but I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world. As young professionals we may struggle finding the balance, but that doesn’t mean you should settle because you think your time to find love will run out. Never stop trying to fulfill your dreams and be part of things larger than yourself. Happiness is all around and if we just let go of all we’ve been told maybe there’s a few surprises waiting around the corner. Just don’t give up.

Love may have brought me here, but faith is what has kept me here.

Are we becoming too connected?

Before I continue, I’d like to just say that this is me being the pot who calls the kettle black. At the end, you can say to yourself “did that just happen.” Well, it’s about to, so you can either use some of the advice in this article or not.

It is part of my profession to be connected on social networks daily, to post updates, to keep people informed and to have interactive conversations, in a nutshell it’s what I do to keep a roof over my head.  However,  in January I decided that I was going to make a conscious effort to cut back on “personal” use because I had started to feel like I had a relationship with the internet rather than with myself and my life. It’s now almost the end of February and I’m still plugged in tighter than a wine cork but I am not throwing in the towel just yet. On the plus side, the weather is getting warmer which is a distraction from the shiny things that have a hold of me right now. Logging off will get easier as the grass gets greener.  By the way, in this case it is greener on the other side.

A Digital Society

There is no doubt that what we are witnessing here, with regard to how we communicate and share,  is a revolutionary and exciting time for so many reasons, from consumer empowerment to social change and ignited advocacy. In the same token, we’ve become completely enveloped in our cyber lives that for some of us, our real life is suffering.  I would never say to do anything so drastic as to unplug entirely but I do believe there exists a balance, or at least that is what they tell me. It’s difficult for to personally disconnect with the temptation of being connected for work.  However, the rest of you (77.4% of the population) on the internet, yeah you, what the hell is your excuse? I think we’re doing ourselves a serious injustice by spending a majority of our free time online rather than out in the real world experiencing life.

Relationships

I know many people will cling to the fact that social networks and the internet keep their families and friends easily accessible.  To me, however, there is a certain level of true connectivity that is lacking when we communicate online daily rather than making time to do things together and spend real time (not real time web) with one another.  There is no replacement for face to face conversation and I fear we are losing the desire for it, some of us that is.  Remember the days when we just called each other on the phone, made plans and just stuck to that? Nowadays we text or email each other constantly just to finalize one plan and though we may create events on Facebook and end up getting together,  we end up on Facebook the entire time giving our friends and family a play by play of what we’re doing. When did we become so audience obsessed?

About a month ago, in conversation (face to face) with a good friend of mine I was looking down at my phone, answering emails and texts, not thinking for a second that what I was doing was rude. It’s just become so “normal.” Well, to her it was not normal. In fact, she was so offended by what I was doing and how rude it truly was that she expressed it and not in a “hey, you’re being rude” kind of way. Instead, it was more of genuine concern for me and what she felt, was becoming borderline unhealthy. In that moment, I think I hit some sort of interweb rock bottom. “Things have to change.”

Cause and Effect

Well we covered the cause. Now let’s discuss some of the effects. Our work is suffering because of constant distractions. Our relationships suffer because we commit more to telling a stupid box what’s on our minds ten or more times a day, rather than just telling each other face to face. Our privacy and intimate details of our lives have now become a sitcom for the world to see. We’ve become some sick breed of egocentric wannabe celebrities that are constantly looking for reassurance in the form of a “like.” If this seems harsh, well imagine what I felt when I was faced with the harsh reality of what I am starting to become.  It’s no wonder Zombies have become such a fad, we’re all becoming them.

Everything in Moderation

Like your meats, fruits, veggies and grains..ingest the internet in moderation.  Instead of sharing every one of the most exciting events of your life on the web, pick up the phone and share that excitement with friends and family. If you’re feeling like no one cares it’s because you’ve become so accustomed to that “like” button, a button that in the great scheme of the things means nothing other than an impression or view, big deal. Congratulations you were lucky enough to catch some other zombie’s attention at that given moment.  I hear people complain daily about how they don’t understand why no one comments or likes their updates on Facebook and I am always like, heh? “How do you get so many comments on your posts Shana?”, I hear.  There’s a difference between a personal user and professional doing personal branding or a business trying to grow.  You’re not a brand trying to create awareness and boost revenue, you’re not a cause that needs activism, you’re not a band looking to build their fan base.  You’re just another average Joe or Jane who created a profile on Facebook or Twitter or wherever to have a little fun and keep in contact with friends, stop taking it so seriously. Is it really that important how many “likes” you get?

Om. Relax. Find Balance.

Take a few moments and rethink how you spend your free time in life. Are you fulfilled? If you even think for a second, that you may potentially spend too much time online, odds are you do. I do, I know I do. However, gradually I am making changes necessary to get back to simplicity and enjoy my free time, offline. Start thinking about those hobbies you once loved and start getting back into them. Remember what life was like before all of this. I blame damn beepers, they changed everything.   Back to my point, being connected is great but you need time for yourself in the real world. Not only for your health but for your emotional stability, for your sanity! Be emotionally charged by the life you have off of the social network wall. Give someone a real hug, instead of a poke. Ask someone for feedback over lunch rather than a blog post. Turn your mobile phones and log off your computers for a few or more hours a day if you can, and see what’s happening in the world around you. Today, I told someone I needed a vacation and his response was, “How are you going to get away from yourself?”. He’s right, only we have control over what we do and if we need a break it’s up to us to take one.

Update your life, not your status. Log  into yourself instead of the internet.

Just something to think about.. Yeah, that really did just happen.

In the spirit of all things Valentine’s, I felt the need to write a little something about my fabulous dating life.  If you didn’t sense the sarcasm in that first statement, please read further.   Being 30 something and single is fairly common and as ridiculous as dating can sometimes be, Dayton on top of all its other perks is very single friendly, more on that later.  First, let’s talk about dating.

As a professional in marketing who dabbles in interactive media, a good majority of my life is digitized.  While I enjoy being able to connect and engage with people on the regular,  it’s a very hard habit  break when off the clock and there are just certain things in life that do not need to be so “digital”.   However, taking the natural course of action with regard to dating, seems to have lost its appeal and many are looking for love on the world wide web.  Online dating, yeah, let’s talk about that.   In all honesty, I view my participation on these sites as more of a social experiment rather than a means to find that “one true love”.  It’s been more entertaining than successful.   Here is what I’ve learned.

The Perks

Online dating definitely allows you to focus more on initial conversations rather than the physical   attraction aspect of dating, which I am hoping is still important.  Communication is paramount to the success of any relationship and we all know this.  Dating sites encourage and provide a comfortable setting to get to know one another over time without the pressure of spontaneous meetings that lead to awkward conversations and having to come up with things to say at random.  Witty as I am, I’m seriously challenged in the art of conversation sometimes when it comes to dating.

The Flaws

Or risk factors should I say. False advertising.  You never really know what you’re getting.  People can say whatever they want in a profile and though I’m not shallow with much concern about looks,  pictures are easily edited these days and there’s really no telling who will show up on your first date,  in comparison to what you saw on Match.com or wherever.  You’ve been warned.

My Experience

I’ve had several dates from several different sites and guess what, I’m still single.  Am I datable? Sure I am. Then what went wrong? In most cases, the flaw I mentioned earlier was the issue. The men I agreed to meet were digitally pleasing but not so much in person.  My standards and expectations aren’t anything out of the norm but if a guy says he’s 6 ft tall and all 5’ 5” of him shows up for dinner..yeah, I have a problem with that. Or the guy who calls himself an “entrepreneur” who’s really just not employed and lacking in anything remotely close to having ambition. There’s also the guy who say’s he’s single but is in a relationship just testing the waters or weighing his options. Oh and the guy who doesn’t date girls with tattoos and is really careful about who he brings around his colleagues but wasn’t able to fully read a profile that clearly indicates “has a few tattoos”.  Hopefully he meets with those colleagues on how to read thoroughly, maybe they can help him. I won’t bore you further with more stories but let’s just say it’s not been all candy and roses, more like “To Catch a Predator”.

Single in the City

While I continue on the quest for love, I’m still having a grand ole time in this city.  I’d like to share a few things that make this city so “single friendly” especially for those of you who are Valentine’s challenged this year.   Here are a few things you can do solo that are great time and don’t leave you feeling like a social outcast because you’re alone.  These are a few of my favorite spots, but there is so much to do in this city to keep busy.

Get Your Culture On.

The Dayton Art Institute

Dayton Opera

Dayton Philharmonic

Stuff Your Face..But Be Healthy About It. (You want to look good when you do get a date)

Dayton Dining

Have a Cocktail.

SideBar

Now Disconnect.

Like any woman, ideally a relationship is something that I want  but I am not entirely sure I’m into the online dating scene.  In life there are so many opportunities to meet people. Get off your damn computer,  get out and enjoy life.  Then, be surprised by those you encounter in the process because who knows who can meet! I find that some of our greatest pleasures in life are those that happen when  we least expect them. If you insist on digital dating, be safe and smart about it. Invest time to really get to know someone before agreeing to meet in public. Let your friends or family know when and where you’re meeting prior to and then enjoy your date.

Oh and by the way, thanks to Lisa Grisgby and WDTN, I know that when I do find love, I’m in one of the most romantic cities there is! Something to look forward to, eh?  But if you are alone this Valentine’s Day, don’t worry yourself about it.  It’s a dumb holiday that makes people feel down on themselves if they’re not in a relationship. It’s a day to boast about love and frankly when its real there’s no need to make a big fuss about it.  Go out and pamper yourself, do something fun and enjoy you.  It’s 24 hours and it will be over before you’ve eaten that entire box of chocolates or pint of ice cream while watching a bunch of movies by Nicholas Sparks. Just smile and be happy, it will be over before you know it.

Oh and if you have an interesting story about dating, being single in Dayton or anything related…I encourage you to share your story!